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3&00tbacl)'S Cull DeSCCl*4)tlbe CatalOflUe of Dramas, Comedies, Comedieiias, Fareet, 
Tableaux-vivants, Guide-books, Novel Entertainments for Church, School and Parlor 
Exhibitions, etc., containing complete and explicit information, will be sent to any address 
on receipt of a stamp for return postage. Address as above. 



ROORBAGfl'S AMERICAN EDITION 



PRICE, 15 CENTS EACH. 

This series embraces the best of plays, suited to the present time. The reprints have 
been rigidly compared with the original acting copies, so that absolute purity of 
tf xt and stage business is warranted. Each play is furnished with an introduction 
of the greatest value to the stage manager, containing the argument or synopsis of 
incidents, complete lists of properties and costumes, diagrams of the stage settings 
and practicable scene-plots, with the fullest stage directions. They are hand- 
somely printed from new electrotyoe plates, in readable type, on fine paper. 
Their complete introductions, textual accuracy, and mechanical excellence render 
these books far superior in every respect to all editions of acting plays hitherto 
published. 

1. ALL THAT GLITTERS IS NOT GOLD. A comic drama in two acts. Six 

in.de, three female characters. Time, two hours. 

2. A SCRAP OF PAPER. A comic drama in three acts. Six male, six female 

characters. Time, two hours. 

3. MY LORD IN LIVERY. A farce in one act. Five male, three female charac- 

ters. Time, fifty minutes. 

4. CABMAN No. 93. A farce in one act. Two male, two female characters. 

Time, lorly minutes. 

5. MILKY WHITE. A domestic drama in two acts. Four male, two female char- 

acters. Time, one hour and three quarters. 

6. PARTNERS FOR LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Seven male, four female 

characters. Time, two hours. 

7. WOODCOCK'S LITTLE GAME. A comedy-farce in two acts. Four male, 

four female charicters. Time, one hour. 

8. HOW TO TAME YOUR MOTHER-IN-LAW. A farce in one act. Four 

male, two female characters. Time, thirty-five minutes. 

9. LADY AUDLEY'S SECRET. A drama in two acts. Four male, three female 

characters. Time, one hour and a quarter. 

10. NOT SO BAD AFTER ALL. A comedy in three acts. Six male, five female 
characters. Time, one hour and forty minutes. 

XI. WHICH IS ^MHICH ? A comedietta in one act. Three male, three female 
characters. Time, fifty minutes. 

12. ICI ON PARLE FRAN^AIS. A farce in one act. Three male, four female 
characters. Time, forty-five minutes. 

13. DAISY FARM. A drama in four acts. Ten male, four female characters. 
Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 

14. MARRIED LIFE. A comedy in three acts. Five male, five female characters. 
Time, two hours. 

15. A PRETTY PIECE OF BUSINESS. A comedietta in one act. Two male, 
three female characters, lime, fifty minutes. 

i5, LEND ME FIVE SHILLINGS. A farce in one act. Five male, two female 

,ch.)racters. Time, one hour. 
17. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— Original Version. A drama in six acts. Fifteen 

male, seven female characters. Time, three hours. 
X8. UNCLE TOM'S CABIN.— New Version. A drama in five .acts. Seven 

male, five female characters. Time, two hours and a quarter. 
19. LONDON ASSURANCE. A comedy in five acts. Ten male, three female 

characters. Time, two hours and three quarters. 
20 ATCHI ! A comedietta in one act. Three male, two female characters. Time, 

forty minutes., 

21. WHO IS WHO ? A farce in one act. Three m.ale, two female characters. 
Time, forty minutes. 

22. THE WOVEN WEB. A drama in four acts. Seven male, three female char- 
acters. Time, two hours and twenty minutes". 

\^W~Afiy of fhr nboT'r ivill be sent by iiiait, /•cnt-/>aid, to any addrrss, on rerci/'f 
c/ the f>yicc. 

HAROLD R00R3ACH, Publisher, 9 Murray St., New York. 



LONDON ASSURANCE 



A COMEDY IN FIVE ACTS 



BY 



DION L BOUCICAULT 



New American Edition, Correctly Reprinted from the Ori- 
ginal Authorized Acting Edition, with the Original 
Casts of the Characters, Synopsis of Incidents, 
Time of Representation, Description of the 
Costumes, Scene and Property Plots, Dia- 
grams of the Stage Settings, Sides of 
Entrance and Exit, Relative Posi- 
tions OF the Performers, Expla- 
nation OF THE Stage Direc- 
tions, ETC., AND ALL OF 

THE Stage Business. 

Copyright, 1889, by Harold Roorbach 






/\ 



Vi 



OEG 141889. ?/ 



NEW YORK 

HAROLD ROORBACH 

PUBLISHER 



\ 



\ 



^^^\^^ 

^ ^.v^ 



t)V 




LONDON ASSURANCE, 



CAST OF CHARACTERS. 



Covent Garden^ Park Theatre^ 

London, New York, 

March 4, 18 41. Oct. 11, 18 41. 

Sir Harcourt Courtly... Mr. W. Farren. Mr. Placide. 

Charles Courtly Mr. Anderson. Mr. Wheatley. 

Dazzle Mr.Chas. Matthews. Mr. Browne. 

Max Harkaway Mr. Bartley. Mr. Fisher. 

Dolly Spanker Mr. Keeley. Mr. W. H. Williams 

Mark Meddle Mr. Harley. Mr. Latham. 

Cool Mr. Brmdal. INlr. A. Andrews. 

Solomon Isaacs Mr. W. H. Payne. 

Martin Mr. Ayliffe. Mr. Howard. 

James Simpson {hitler) Mr. Honner. Mr. King. 

Lady Gay Spanker Mrs. Nisbett. Miss Charlotte Cushman. 

Grace Harkaway Madame Vestris. Miss Clarendon. 

Pert Mrs. Humby . Mrs. Vernon. 

Time of Representation — Two Hours and Forty-five Minutes. 



SYNOPSIS OP INCIDENTS. 

Sir Harcourt Courtly, a superannuated old lady-killer, is about to 
present society with a second Lady Courtly, in the person of Grace 
Harkaway, a girl of eighteen and niece of his old friend Max Hark- 
away, a bluff and honest country squire living at Oak Hall, Gloucester- 
shire. Sir Harcourt's previous follies and extravagances had been 
supplied with large sums of money, on mortgages, by Grace's father 
whose estates were contiguous to Sir Harcourt's, with the design 
ultimately of uniting the two properties. He had died some years be- 
fore, leaving his daughter to the care of Max, with the provision that if, 
on attaining the age of nineteen, she married Sir Harcourt, the latter 
should receive back both mortgages and property as her dowry; other- 
wise, on her refusal to consent, both should revert to Sir Harcourt's 
hfiir. Charles Courtly, though regarded by his father as a perfect 



4 L ONDON ASSURANCE. 

child in heart is, in fact, a roystering young prodigal whose pecadilloes 
are artfully concealed from SiR Harcourt by Cool, the latter's valet 
and the most accomplished liar in London. While Cool is keeping 
watch for Charles early one morning, the latter comes in noisily, ac- 
companied by Mr. Dazzle, a leading example of London assurance, 
the two having met the night before. Cool contrives to get both out of 
the way before SiR Harcourt's appearance, and while accounting for 
Charles' absence in the usual way, is interrupted by the entrance of 
Max Harkaway who greets Sir Harcourt heartily. After hearing 
an account of the latter's experience since they last had met, and in- 
quiring for Charles, he is left alone while Sir Harcourt retires to 
prepare his toilet. Dazzle then enters, announces himself as a friend of 
the family, and, on the strength of that, is invited down to Oak Hall. 
Charles now reappears, sobered up, and coldly tries to dismiss Dazzle, 
but, in turn, is invited by the latter to accompany him on a visit to his 
old friend's estate down in Gloucestershire, — an invitation gladly accepted 
by Charles, who is thus enabled to evade Mr. Solomon Isaacs, an im- 
patient creditor waiting in the hall below. 

Down at Oak Hall, Grace Harkaway, cynically awaiting the arrival 
of her uncle and her future husband, prepares for matrimony as she 
would for dinner. Dazzle, of whose visit, also, she has been apprised, 
arrives with Charles whom he introduces as "Augustus Hamilton"; 
in the course of the conversation, the latter learns that his hostess is to be 
married the following week, to an old man about whom she knows 
little and cares less. Max and Sir Harcourt are then announced. 
Dazzle greets Max heartily, is introduced to Sir Harcourt, and, in 
turn, presents his friend "Augustus Hamilton," who is staggered at 
meeting Sir Harcourt, the latter not having revealed his approaching 
marriage to his son. But Charles stoutly denies his identity, and is 
loyally supported by CooL, who declares that he had never seen "Mr. 
Hamilton " before. Grace, however, being a silent witness to this 
encounter, at once suspects the truth. 

The entire party while awaiting dinner, is surprised by the entrance of 
Lady Gay Spanker, a lively lady of sporting proclivities, who makes 
an instant impression on vSiR Harcourt. She is accompanied by her 
husband, Dolly vSpanker, good-natured but stupid, and announces 
their intention of remaining a few days. Meanwhile Charles learns 
that Sir Harcourt has sent to town for him and expects his arrival on 
the following day. This necessitates "Augustus Hamilton's " retirement, 
but suggests to Dazzle a scheme by which, with Lady Gay's aid, he 
hopes to circumvent Sir Harcourt's marriage in favor of that of his son 
who has become enamored of Grace. Dazzle opens the campaign by 
requesting Sir Harcourt, as a man of honor, to shun studiously 
the society of Lady Gay who has been struck with his address. This, 
of course, inflames the old fellow's vanity, and he looks for a glorious 
conquest, at the same time taking a sudden fancy to Dazzle who 
accounts for his former presence in the baronet's London house, by 
saying that he had gone there to present an acceptance given by 
Charles ; and further, whenever Sir Harcourt has the money con- 
venient, Dazzle will feel delighted. As Sir Harcourt withdraws 
to procure the necessary funds. Dazzle calls Charles to sign this bill, 
dating it back, as well as a few others for future contingences, and de- 



L ONDON ASSURANCE, 5 

parts after Sir Harcourt. Grace now shudders at the contemplation 
of her union with the baronet; and in an interview in which Charles be- 
trays himself, she exclaims emphatically that she will never marry Sir 
Harcourt. Charles then declares himself, but his avowal is inter- 
rupted by the entrance of Lady Gay; he throws himself upon her gener- 
osity and invokes her aid in outwitting Sir Harcourt by drawing the 
latter after her and away from Grace. Lady Gay readily consents to 
lend her aid, and immediately commences operations upon Sir Harcourt 
with the keenest delight. 

" Augustus Hamilton " now quits Oak Hall in a desperate hurry, leav- 
ing for Grace a note of farewell in which he supplicates pardon and 
oblivion for the past. While she is discussing the departed ' ' Augustus ' ' 
with Lady Gay, the gentlemen return from the dining-room. Dolly 
Spanker, a little the worse for wine, having been incited to harshness by 
Sir Harcourt, so that the latter's suit may thrive, boldly asserts his 
marital authority, to the unconcealed delight of Lady Gay who dearly 
loves him. Mr. Charles Courtly is now announced, and enters with 
his manner totally changed to that of an awkward pedant. He is presented 
to Grace as her future stepson, is instantaneously recognized by her and 
commanded by SiR Harcourt to remain and amuse her while the others 
retire for a dance. Determined to prove her affection for him, Charles 
proceeds to recount the death of " Augustus Hamilton," but is perplexed 
by her cheerful reception of the news. Lady Gay, meanwhile, has led 
Sir Harcourt on as fast as he could desire, and finally brings him to the 
point of proposing an elopement, to which she affects to consent, in the 
hearing of Meddle who is concealed in the room. She then reveals Sir 
Harcourt's arrangements to Charles who agrees to "bend the haughty 
Grace " by persuading her to elope with him in Sir Harcourt's car- 
riage, just in time to prevent the latter's escape with Lady Gay. 

Sir Harcourt, having equipped himself for the elopement, while try- 
ing to hurry Lady Gay, who makes some pretended objections about 
leaving a pet dog behind, is nonplussed by the entrance of the whole party 
headed by Meddle who had overheard Sir Harcourt's proposals and 
smells profitable litigation. Dolly Spanker, being properly worked up, 
writes a challenge to Sir Harcourt, at the dictation of Lady Gay, who 
does not believe that Sir Harcourt will fight; the letter is entrusted to 
Dazzle who suggests that the affair come off in the billiard room, forth- 
with. But to Lady Gay's surprise. Sir Harcourt accepts the challenge, 
and she rushes to Max Harkaway with the intelligence that the baronet 
is about to blow her Dolly's brains out. Max, however, promptly 
suppresses hostilities. Sir Harcourt, apologizing for his conduct, 
waives all^ claim to Grace's person and property ; but the latter, in- 
censed at Charles' boastfulness, tells Sir Harcourt that while he was 
being duped by Lady Gay, she had been played upon by Lady Gay and 
*' Mr. Hamilton" ; she begs, therefore, that the contract between them 
may still, to all appearances, hold good — to which request Sir Harcourt 
yields his consent. After confessing to Charles that she did love poor 
"Augustus Hamilton," he finds himself in the dilemma of either being 
ruined by his father's discovery of who "Augustus " is, or suppressing 
the truth and seeing Grace marry Sir Harcourt. But the catastrophe 
is precipitated by the entrance of Solomon Isaacs with several writs 
against Charles, and his disclosure to Sir Harcourt that the latter'5 



6 L OND ON ASS URANCE. 

son and " Augustus " are one and the same person — and a quite different 
sort of person from what Sir Harcourt had fondly supposed. Grace 
now offers to pay Charles' debts ; Dolly and Lady Gay Spanker are 
completely reconciled ; and Sir Harcourt, finding that he has been 
fairly beaten, and being renninded that if Grace marries any one but 
himself her property reverts to Charles, makes a virtue of necessity and 
gives the young couple his hand and his blessing. 

COSTUMES. 

N. B. While it seems important^ for a wholly correct represejitation, 
that the characters should be dressed thoroughly in accordance with the 
language^ 7nanners and costumes of the time when this play was written 
( 1840), yet for the convenience of such companies as may prefer modern 
costumes^ suitable dresses of the present day are specified as well. The 
folloiuing costume plots have been prepared expressly for this Yahtio"^ of 
" London Assurance " f^/ the Eaves Costume Company, A/<?. 63 East 
J 2th Street^ New Vorh, from whom all costumes can be hired at reason' 
able charges., 

Original — 1840. 

Sir Harcourt Courtly. — Act /.; Handsome brocade dressing gown ; 
light waistcoat; ruffled shirt-front; collar and stock; embroidered smok- 
ing cap ; ecru gaiter -pantaloons ; jet black curly hair or wig and black 
mutton-chop whiskers. Act II : Black frock-coat; white satin waistcoat; 
lavender gaiter- pantaloons; stock and collar; colored gloves, also white 
gloves; travelling cloak and low hat. Acts III. and IV.: Blue dress 
coat and pantaloons ; white waistcoat ; collar and black stock ; fob and 
chain. Act V.: Same as act II. 

Max Harkaway. — Acts I. and II.: Wide skirted dark brown or green 
sporting coat with metal buttons; buff waistcoat; drab breeches, and 
gaiters; ruffled shirt-front; wide brimmed, low crowned white beaver hat; 
collar and colored neckerchief ; colored silk handerchief ; carries a heavy 
walking-stick; iron gray wig, rather bushy and curling. Acts III.., VI. 
and v.: Blue dress coat; white waistcoat ; snuff-colored pantaloons ; white 
cravat; low cut shoes; fob chain. 

Dazzle. — Acts I. and II : Dark green coat; silk waistcoat; buff or 
drab gaiter-pantaloons; bell-crowned beaver hat ; ruffled shirt-front; 
collar and tie. Acts III. IV. and V. — Brown dress coat with brass but- 
tons ; satin waistcoat, pearl-colored pantaloons ; fob chain ; curly wig. 

Charles Courtly.— /^r/j /. and 11: Blue coat; light waistcoat and 
gaiter-pantaloons; bell-crowned beaver hat; ruffled shirt-front; travelling 
cloak ; curly hair. Act III.: Brown dress coat ; satin waistcoat; light 
gaiter-pantaloons; fob chain. Acts IV. and V.: Frock coat of the time, 
dark in color; dark waistcoat and pantaloons; his whole appearance sub- 
dued; hair parted in the middle and plastered down straight and flat on 
the sides; spectacles. 

Dolly Spanker. — Act III: ist dress. Scarlet riding coat; buff 
waistcoat and breeches; riding boots, hat and whip; blonde curling hair, 
parted in the centre. 2nd dress. Similar to Dazzle's dress in act III. 
Acts IV. and K; The same as last. 



L OND ON ASS U RANGE. 7 

Cool. — Act /.; Brown dress coat; white waistcoat; dark pantaloons; 
white cravat. Acts II. to V.: Black frock coat; Ught waistcoat; dark 
pantaloons; black hat. 

Meddle. — Full skirted frock coat, dark in color, with high collar and 
very tight sleeves ; figured waistcoat; black pantaloons; white gaiters; 
bell-crowned beaver hat, hght in color and with green under brim; high 
stock and collar ; fob chain ; sandy hair and short whiskers ; he carries a 
green umbrella. 

Martin. — Handsome livery coat, waistcoat and breeches; buckles, low 
shoes and white stockings; powdered hair; white cravat. 

James. — Neat livery coat, waistcoat and breeches; buckles, low shoes 
and white stockings; white cravat. 

Solomon Isaacs. — Short-waisted, long-skirted coat of quaint color, with 
tight sleeves; very loud double-breasted waistcoat; tight-fitting white 
pantaloons ; yellow gaiters ; exaggerated fob chain; white bell-crowned 
beaver hat ; black ciu-ly hair and whiskers. 

Lady Gay Spanker. — Act III: ist dress. Handsome riding habit; 
Gainsborough hat; gauntlets; riding whip. 2nd dress. Handsome din- 
ner dress. Acts IV. and V.: Same as 2nd dress in act III. with cloak 
and veil. 

Grace Harkaw^ay. — Act II.: Morning dress. Acts III., IV. and V.: 
Dinner gown. 

Pert. — Neat cambric dress ; cap and apron; white collar and cuffs; 
no jewelry. 

Modern — 1889. 

Sir Harcourt. — Act I. ; Handsome dressing jacket ; embroidered 
smoking cap; light trousers and waistcoat ; black hair and side 
whiskers. Act II.: Black frock coat; light waistcoat; dark trousers; light 
overcoat; silk hat ; gloves. Acts III. and IV.: Modern evening suit. 
Act v.: Same as act II. 

Max. — Acts I. and II.: Full skirted frock coat of a subdued color; 
figured waistcoat ; drab breeches and gaiters ; stock and collar ; fob chain ; 
walking stick, white tall hat; colored silk handerchief; iron gray hair. 
Acts III., IV. andV: Black dress suit. 

Dazzle. — Acts I. and 11: Stylish walking suit; light overcoat; silk 
hat. Acts III., IV. and V.: Black evening suit. 

Charles. Acts I. and II.: StyHsh modern suit; light overcoat; 
derby hat. Act III.: Black dress suit. Acts IV. and V.: Black frock 
coat, waistcoat and trousers; hair parted in the middle and worn flat; 
spectacles. 

Dolly. — Act III.: ist dress. Riding coat ; fancy striped waistcoat; 
buff breeches ; riding boots; silk hat ; blonde hair. 2nd dress. Black 
evening suit. Acts IV. and V. The same. 

Cool. — Act I.: Every day morning suit, sack-coat. Acts II. to V.: 
Black frock coat, waistcoat, trousers and hat. 

Meddle. — Black tight-fitting character coat, waistcoat and trousers; 
character hat ; stock and collar ; green umbrella. 

Martin. — Livery coat; striped waistcoat; dark trousers; white neck- 
cloth. 






8 LONDON ASSURANCE. 

James. — Livery coat, waistcoat and trousers; white neckcloth, 

Solomon Isaacs, — Highly exaggerated and loud costume of a Hebrew 
money-lender. 

Lady Gay. — Act III .: ist dress. Handsome riding habit, silk hat, 
veil, gauntlets and whip. 2nd dress. Handsome dinner gown. Acts IV. 
and v.: Same as 2nd dress in act III., with cloak and silk scarf to throw 
over her head. 

Grace. — Act II.: Tasteful morning dress. Acts III., IV, and V: 
Dinner dress. 

Pert. — Maid's costume. 



PROPERTIES. 

Act I. — Furniture as per scene-plot. Bell off stage. Assortment of 
bell-pulls, door-knockers, etc., and visiting card for Charles Courtly. 
Pencil for Dazzle. 

Act II. — Flowers for Grace. Newspaper and memorandum for 
Meddle. White gloves and handkerchief for Cool. Eye-glass for 
Sir Harcourt. 

Act III. — Furniture as per scene-plot. Chess board and chessmen. 
Letter for Cool. Pocket-book, containing documents, for Dazzle. 
Writing materials. Bell off stage. 

Act IV. — Coffee in small cups on tray. Sealed letter on salver. Book 
for Charles. Smelling bottle for Sir Harcourt. Note-book and 
pencil for Meddle. 

Act V. — Travelling equipment and memoranda for Sir Harcourt. 
Subpoena documents and coins for Meddle. Notes for Spanker, 
Writing materials. 



STAGE SETTINGS. 

Act I. 



Inierior Backing 
'Dotr' 



J 



^^^'^ E&sel 

TahleWk OArm-ChaJr 

Door • ■ • 

Table S^Chuin 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 
Act II. 



Landscape B&cking 
Wall ^^^ Wall 



FlowerBed 



^ 



• ■ ■ 

Sts.tue Tree 



/j/ 



I Flower Bed I 



o 



E 



Set 

House 
\ 
^ndoir 

\ 



Acts III., IV. and V. 



r 

Door 

Tahle^ Chairs 
I Bny 'Window 

I Chair 



Garden Backing V _ 



Fire-Phce Q " ^ 



Arm-Chair 



m 

Oiiomm 



FoldingDoors 



Table SjChmrs 



SCENE PLOT. 

Act L-Fancy chamber set in 4 g., backed with interior drop in 5 G. 
Doors c, R. 2 E and L. 4 E. Cabinet up R., and easel with picture up 
L. Table and two chairs L., opposite 2 e. Table and arm chairR c. 
opposite -l E. Various pictures, books, ornaments, etc Carpet down. 

TcTlL-Garden in 4 g., backed with landscape drop in 5 G Wall 
or railing in 4 G., running across stage, with gate c. flower-beds in 
front of wall on each side. Tree wings i o., 2 G. and 3 G. R. Set 
house L., running back to 3 g., with French window opemng into draw- 
ine-room. (Have suitable interior backing in the house ) Statue up R. 
Urn up L. Set tree R. c, opposite 3 G. Garden seat down R. Grass 

^^ Act irL-Fancy chamber set in 4 G., backed with garden drop in 5 G. 
Curtained windows R. c. and L. c. Mantel and fire-place c. in flat. 



lo 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 



Door R, 4 E. Bay window R. 2 E. Folding doors L. 3 E. Chair down 
R, Small table and two chairs up R. Ottoman c. Table and two 
chairs down L. Sofa up L. Arm chair near fire-place. Carpet down. 
Pictures, bric-a-brac, ornaments, etc., ad lib. 

STAGE DIRECTIONS. 

The player is supposed to face the audience. R. means right; L. , left; 
C, center; R. c, right of center; l. c, left of center; d. f., door in 
the flat or scene running across the back of the stage; R. F., right side 
of the flat; L. f., left side of the flat; R. D., right door; L. D., left door; 
c. D., center door; i E., first entrance; 2 E., second entrance; U. E., 
upper entrance; i, 2 or 3 g., first, second or third grooves ; up STAGE, 
toward the back ; down stage, toward the footlights. 



R. 



R. C. 



L. C. 



L. 



Note. — The text of this play is correctly reprinted from the original 
authorized acting edition, without change. The introductory matter has 
been carefully prepared by an expert, and is the only part of this book 
protected by copyright. 




LONDON ASSURANCE. 



ACT I. 



Scene.— An ante-room in Sir Harcourt Courtly's house in 
Belgrave square. 

Enter Cool, c. 

Cool. Half-past nine, and Mr. Charles has not yet returned. 
I am in a fever of dread. If his father happens to rise earlier 
than usual on any morning, he is sure to ask first for Mr. 
Charles. Poor deluded old gentleman— he little thinks how he 
is deceived. 

Enter Martin, lazily, L. 

Well, Martin, he has not come home yet ! 

Martin. No, and I have not had a wink of sleep all night. I 
cannot stand this any longer ; I shall give warning. This is the 
fifth night Mr. Courtly has remained out, and I'm obliged to 
stand at the hall window to watch for him. 

Cool. You know, if Sir Harcourt was aware that we connived 
at his son's irregularities, we should all be discharged. 

Mar. I have used up all my common excuses on his duns. 
"Call again," "Not at home," and "Send it down to you," 
won't serve any more ; and Mr. Crust, the wine merchant, swears 
he will be paid. 

Cool. So they all say. Why he has arrests out against him 
already. I've seen the fellows watching the door, {loud knock 
and ring heardi..) There he is, just in time — quick, Martin, for I 
expect Sir Harcourt's bell every moment, {bell rings, R.) and 
there it is. (Exit MARTIN, slowly, R.) 

Thank Heaven ! he will return to college to-morrow, and this 
heavy responsibility will be taken off my shoulders. A valet is 
as difficult a post to fill properly as that of prime minister. 

(Exit L.) 



12 L OND ON ASSURANCE, 

Young C. {without) Hollo ! 
Dazzle, {without) Steady. 

Enter Young Courtly and Dazzle, l. 

Young C. Hollo-o-o ! 

Daz. Hush ! what are you about, howling like a Hottentot. 
Sit down there, and thank Heaven you are in Belgrave square 
instead of Bow street. 

Young C. D — d — damn Bow street. 

Daz. Oh, with all my heart ! — you have not seen as much of 
it as I have. 

Young C. I say — let me see — what was I going to say ? — oh, 
look here — {pulls out a large assortment of bell-pulls, knockers, 
etc., from his pocket) There ! dam'me ! I'll puzzle the two-penny 
postmen — I'll deprive them of their right of disturbing the neigh- 
borhood. That black lion's head did belong to old Vampire, 
the money-lender ; this bell-pull to Miss Stitch, the milliner. 

Daz. And this brass griffin — 

Young C. That ! oh, let me see — I think I twisted that off our 
own hall-door as I came in, Mobile you were paying the cab. 

Daz. What shall I do with them ? 

Young C. Pack 'em in a small hamper, and send 'em to the 
sitting magistrate with my father's compliments ; in the mean- 
time come into my room, and I'll astonish you with some Bur- 
gundy. 

Re-enter Cool, c. door. 

Cool. (R.) Mr. Charles- 
Young C. (C.) Out ! out ! not at home to any one. 

Cool. And drunk 

Young C. As a lord. 

Cool. If Sir Harcourt knew this he would go mad, he would 
discharge me. 

Young C. You flatter yourself; that would be no proof of his 
insanity, {to Dazzle, l.) This is Cool, sir, Mr. Cool ; he is the 
best liar in London — there is a pungency about his invention, 
and an originality in his equivocation, that is perfectly refresh- 
ing. 

Cool, {aside) Why, Mr. Charles, where did you pick him up ? 

Young C. You mistake, he picked me up. {bell rings, R.) 

Cool. Here comes Sir Harcourt — pray do not let him see you 
in this state. 

Young C. State ! what do you mean ? I am in a beautiful state. 

Cool. I should lose my character. 

Young C. That would be a fortunate epoch in your life. Cool. 

Cool. Your father would discharge me. 

Young C. Cool, my dad is an old ass. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 13 

Cool. Retire to your own room, for Heaven's sake, Mr. 
Charles. 

Young C. I'll do so for my own sake, {to Dazzle) I say, old 
fellow, [staggering) just hold the door steady while I go in. 

Daz. This way. Now, then ! — take care ! {helps him into 
the room, R.) 

Enter Sir Harcourt Courtly, l., in an elegant dressing- 
gown, and Greek skull-cap and tassels, etc. 

Sir Harcourt. (C.) Cool, is breakfast ready ? 

Cool, (r.) Quite ready, Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. Apropos. I omitted to mention that I expect Squire 
Harkaway to join us this morning, and you must prepare for my 
departure to Oak Hall immediately. 

Cool. Leave town in the middle of the season. Sir Harcourt ? 
So unprecedented a proceeding ! 

Sir H. It is ! I confess it ; there is but one power could effect 
such a miracle — that is divinity. 

Cool. How ? 

Sir H. In female form, of course. Cool, I am about to pre- 
sent society with a second Lady Courtly; young — blushing eight- 
een ; lovely ! I have her portrait ; rich ! I have her banker's 
account ; — an heiress, and a Venus ! 

Cool. Lady Courtly could be none other. 

Sir H. Ha ! ha ! Cool, your manners are above your station. 
Apropos, I shall find no further use for my brocade dressing- 
gown. 

Cool. I thank you. Sir Harcourt ; might I ask who the fortun- 
ate lady is } 

Sir H. Certainly ; Miss Grace Harkaway, the niece of my old 
friend. Max. 

Cool. Have you never seen the lady, sir ? 

Sir H. Never — that is, yes — eight years ago. Having been, 
as you know, on the Continent for the last seven years, I have not 
had the opportunity of paying my devoirs. Our connection and 
betrothal was a very extraordinary one. Her father's estates 
were contiguous to mine ; — being a penurious, miserly, ugly old 
scoundrel, he made a market of my indiscretion, and supplied my 
extravagance with large sums of money on mortgages, his great 
desire being to unite the two properties. About seven years ago 
he died — leaving Grace, a girl, to the guardianship of her uncle, 
with this will : — if, on attaining the age of nineteen, she would 
consent to marrv me, I should receive those deeds, and all his 
property, as herBowry. If she refused to comply with this condi- 
tion, they should revert to my heir, presumptive or apparent. 
She consents. . _ 

Cool, {aside) Who would not ? 



14 LONDON ASSURANCE. 

Sir H. I consent to receive her £15,000 a year, {crosses to L.) 

Cool. Who would not t 

Sir H. So prepare, Cool, prepare ; {crosses to R.) but where is 
my boy, where is Charles ? 

Cool. Why — oh, he is gone out, Sir Harcourt ; yes, gone out 
to take a walk. 

Sir H. Poor child ! A perfect child in heart— a sober, placid 
mind — the simplicity and verdure of boyhood, kept fresh and 
unsullied by any contact with society. Tell me. Cool, at what 
time was he in bed last night ? 

Cool. Half-past nine, Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. Half-past nine ! Beautiful ! What an original idea ! 
Reposing in cherub slumbers, while all around him teems with 
drinking and debauchery ! Primitive sweetness of nature 1 no 
pilot-coated, bear-skinned brawling ! 

Cool. Oh, Sir Harcourt ! 

Sir H. No cigar-smoking—— 

Cool. Faints at the smell of one. 

Sir H. No brandy and water bibbing 

Cool. Doesn't know the taste of anything stronger than barley- 
water. 

Sir H. No night parading 

Cool. Never heard the clock strike twelve, except at noon. 

Sir H. In fact, he is my son, and became a gentleman by right 
of paternity — he inherited my manners. 
Enter MARTIN, L. 

Mar. Mr. Harkaway. 

Enter Max Harkaway, l. 

Max. Squire Harkaway, fellow, or Max Harkaway, another 
time, (Martin ^^wj a«^ exit, L.) 

Ah ! ha ! Sir Har court, I'm devilish glad to see you ! Gi' me 
your fist— dang it but I'm glad to see you ! Let me see : six- 
seven years or more, since we have met. How quickly they have 
flown ! 

Sir H. {throwing off his studied jnanner) Max, Max ! give 
me your hand, old boy. {aside) Ah ! he is glad to see me ; there 
is no fawnmg pretence about that squeeze. Cool, you may retire. 

(iSxit Cool, r.) 

Max. Why, you are looking quite rosy. 

Sir H. Ah, ah ! rosy ! Am I too florid ? 

Max. Not a bit ; not a bit. 

Sir H. I thought so. {aside) Cool said I had j)Uttoo much on. 

Max. (L.) How comes it. Courtly, you manage to retain your 
youth ? See, I'm as gray as an old badger, or a wild rabbit ; 
while you are— are as black as a young rook. I say, whose head 
grew your hair, eh ? 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 15 

' Sir H. Permit me to remark, that all the beauties of my per- 
son are of home manufacture. Why should you be surprised at 
my youth ? I have scarcely thrown off the giddiness of a very 
boy — elasticity of limb — buoyancy of soul ! Remark this position. 
[throws himself into an attitude) I held that attitude for ten 
minutes at Lady Acid's last reunion, at the express desire of one 
of our first sculptors, while he was making a sketch of me for 
the Apollo. 

Max. (aside) Making- a butt of thee for their gibes. 

Sir H. Lady Sarah Sarcasm started up, and, pointing to my 
face, ejaculated, " Good gracious ! does not Sir Harcourt remind 
you of the countenance of Ajax, in the Pompeian portrait ? " 

Max. Ajax ! — humbug ! 

Sir H. You are complimentary. 

Max. I'm a plain man, and always speak my mind. What's in 
a face or figure ? Does a Grecian nose entail a good temper ? 
Does a waspish waist indicate a good heart ? Or, do oily per- 
fumed locks necessarily thatch a well-furnished brain .? 

Sir H. It's an undeniable fact, plain people always praise the 
beauties of the mind. 

Max. Excuse the insinuation ; I had thought the first Lady 
Courtley had surfeited you with beauty. 

Sir H. No ; she lived fourteen months with me, and then 
eloped with an intimate friend. Etiquette compelled ifle to chal- 
lenge the seducer ; so I received satisfaction — and a bullet in my 
shoulder at the same time. However, I had the consolation of 
knowing that he was the handsomest man of the age. She did 
not insult me by running away with a damned ill-looking scoun- 
drel. 

Max. That, certainly, was flattering. 

Sir H. I felt so, as I pocketed the ten thousand pounds dam- 
ages. 

Max. That must have been a great balm to your sore honor. 

Sir H. It was — Max, my honor would have died without it : 
for on that year the wrong horse won the Derby — by some mis- 
take. It was one of the luckiest chances — a thing that does not 
happen twice in a man's life — the opportunity of getting rid of 
his wife and his debts at the same time. 

Max. Tell the truth. Courtly — Did you not feel a little frayed 
in your delicacy — your honor, now ? Eh } 

Sir H. Not a whit. Why should I .'' I married money, and I 
received it — virgin gold ! My delicacy and honor had nothing to 
do with it. The world pities the bereaved husband, when it 
should congratulate. No ; the affair made a sensation, and I 
was the object. Besides, it is vulgar to make a parade of one's 
feelings, however acute they may be ; impenetrability of coun- 
tenance is the sure sign of your highly-bred man of fashion. 



i6. LONDON ASSURANCE. 

Max. So a man must, therefore, lose his wife and his money 
with a smile — in fact, everything he possesses but his temper. 

Sir H. Exactly ; and great ruin with vive la bagatelle ! For 
example : your modish beauty never discomposes the shape of 
her features with convulsive laughter. A smile rewards the bon 
mot, and also shows the whiteness of her teeth. She never weeps 
impromptu — tears might destroy the economy of her cheek. 
Scenes are vulgar, hysterics obsolete ; she exhibits a calm, placid, 
impenetrable lake, whose surface is reflection, but of unfathom- 
able depth — a statue, whose life is hypothetical, and not a/rz- 
ma facie fact, {crosses to L.) 

Max. Well, give me the <g\x\ that will fly at your eyes in an ar- 
gument, and stick to her point like a fox to his own tail. 
Sir H. But etiquette, Max ! remember etiquette ! 
Max. Damn etiquette ! I have seen a man who thought it 
sacrilege to eat tish with a knife, that would not scruple to rise 
up and rob his brother of his birthright in a gambling-house. 
Your thorough-bred, well-blooded heart will seldom kick over 
the traces of good feeling. That's my opinion, and I don't care 
who knows it. 

Sir H. Pardon me — etiquette is the pulse of society, by regu- 
lating which the body politic is retained in health. I consider 
myself one of the faculty in the art. 

Max. Well, well ; you are a living libel upon common sense, 
for you are old enough to know better. 

Sir H. Old enough ! What do you mean ? Old ! I still retain 
all my little juvenile indiscretions, which your niece's beauties 
must teach me to discard. I have not sown my wild oats yet. 
Max. Time you did, at sixty-three. 

Sir H. Sixty-three ! Good Heavens ! — forty, 'pon my life forty, 
next March. 

Max. Why, you are older than I am. 
Sir H. Oh ! you are old enough to be my father. 
Max. Well, if I am, I am ; that's etiquette, I suppose. Poor 
Grace ! how often have I pitied her fate ! That a young and 
beautiful creature should be driven into wretched splendor, or 
miserable poverty ! 

Sir H. Wretched ! wherefore ? Lady Courtly wretched ! Im- 
possible ! 

Max. Will she not be compelled to marry you, whether she 
likes you or not ? — a choice between you and poverty, {aside) 
And hang me if it isn't a tie ! But why do you not introduce 
your son Charles to me ? I have not seen him since he was a 
child. You would never permit him to accept any of my invita- 
tions to spend his vacation at Oak Hall — of course, we shall have 
the pleasure of his company now. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 17 

Sir H. He is not fit to enter society yet. He is a studious, 
sober boy. 

Max. Boy ! Why, he's five and twenty. 

Sir H. Good gracious ! Max — you will permit me to know my 
own son's age — he is not twenty. 

Max. I'm dumb. 

Sir H. You will excuse me while I indulge in the process of 
dressing. Cool ! 

Enter Cool, r. 

Prepare my toilet. (Exit CooL, c.) 

That is a ceremony which, with me, supersedes all others. I 
consider it a duty which every gentleman owes to society, to ren- 
der himself as agreeable an object as possible ; and the least 
compliment a mortal can pay to nature, when she honors him by 
bestowing extra care in the manufacture of his person, is to dis- 
play her taste to the best possible advantage ; and so, au revoir. 

(Exit, L.) 

Max. {sits R. of table) That's a good soul — he has his faults, 

and who has not ? Forty years of age ! Oh, monstrous ! — but he 

does look uncommonly young for sixty, spite of his foreign locks 

and complexion. 

Enter Dazzle, r. 

Daz. Who's my friend with the stick and gaiters, I wonder — 
one of the family — the governor, may be ? 

Max. (r. C.) Who's this ? Oh, Charles — is that you, my boy ? 
How are you ? {aside) This is the boy. 

Daz. He knows me — he is too respectable for a bailiff, {aloud) 
How are you 1 

Max. Your father has just left me. 

Daz. {aside) The devil he has ! He has been dead these ten 
years. Oh ! I see, he thinks I'm young Courtly, {aloud) The 
honor you would confer upon me, I must unwillingly disclaim — 
I am not Mr. Courtly. 

Max. I beg pardon — a friend, I suppose ? 

Daz. Oh, a most intimate friend — a friend of years — distantly 
related to the family — one of my ancestors married one of his. 
{aside) Adam and Eve. 

Max. Are you on a visit here ? 

Daz. Yes ; oh ! yes. {aside) Rather a short one, I'm afraid. 

Max. {aside) This appears a dashing kind of fellow — as he 
is a friend of Sir Harcourt's, I'll invite him to the wedding. 
{aloud) Sir, if you are not otherwise engaged, I shall feel honored 
by your company at my house, Oak Hall, Gloucestershire. 

Daz. Your name is 

Max. Harkaway — Max Harkaway. 



i8 LONDON ASSURANCE. 

Daz. Harkaway — let me see — I ought to be related to the 
Harkaxyays, somehow. 

Max. A wedding is about to come off — will you take a part 
on the occasion .-* 

Daz. With pleasure ! any part but that of the husband. 

Max. Have you any previous engagement ,'' 

Daz. I was thinking — eh ? why, let me see. {aside) Promised 
to meet my tailor and his account to-morrow ; however, I'll 
postpone that, {aloud) Have you good shooting ? 

Max. Shooting ! Why, there's no shooting at this time of the 
year. 

Daz. Oh ! I'm in no hurry — I can wait till the season, of course. 
I was only speaking precautionally — you have good shooting ? 

Max. The best in the country. 

Daz. Make yourself comfortable ! — Say no more — I'm your 
man — wait till you see how I'll murder your preserves. 

Max. Do you hunt ? 

Daz. Pardon me — but will you repeat that ? {aside) Delicious 
and expensive idea ! 

Max. You ride } 

Daz. Anything ! Everything ! From a blood to a broomstick. 
Only catch me a flash of lightning, and let me get on the back of 
it, and dam'me if I wouldn't astonish the elements. 

Max. Ha ! ha ! 

Daz. I'd put a girdle round about the earth in very consider- 
ably less than forty minutes. 

Max. Ah ! ha ! We'll show old Fiddlestrings how to spend 
the day. He imagines that Nature, at the earnest request of 
Fashion, made summer days long for him to saunter in the Park, 
and winter nights that he might have good time to get cleared 
out at hazard or at whist. Give me the yelping of a pack of 
hounds before the shuffling of a pack of cards. What state can 
match the chase in full cry, each vying with his fellows which 
shall be most happy .? A thousand deaths fly by unheeded in that 
one hour's life of ecstacy. Time is outrun, and Nature seems to 
grudge our bliss by making the day so short. 

Daz. No, for then rises up the idol of my great adoration. 

Max. Who's that ? 

Daz. The bottle— that lends a lustre to the soul ! — When the 
world puts on its night-cap, and extinguishes the sun — then comes 
the bottle ! Oh, mighty wine ! don't ask me to apostrophize. 
Wine and love are the only two indescribable things in nature ; 
but I prefer the wine, because its consequences are not entailed, 
and are more easily got rid of. 

Max. How so ? 

Daz. Love ends in matrimony, wine in soda water. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 19 

Max. Well, I can promise you as fine a bottle as ever was 
cracked. 

Daz. Nevermind the bottle, give me the wine. Say no more ; 
but, when I arrive, just shake one of my hands, and put the key 
of the cellar into the other, and if I don't make myself intimately 
acquainted with its internal organization-^well, I say nothing — 
time will show. 

Max. I foresee some happy days. 

Daz. And I some glorious nights. 

Max. It mustn't be a flying visit. 

Daz. I despise the word — I'll stop a month with you. 

Max. Or a year or two. 

Daz. I'll live and die with you. 

Max. Ha ! ha ! Remember Max Harkaway, Oak Hall, Glou- 
cestershire. 

Daz. I'll remember — fare ye well. QAxY^is going) say, holloa ! 
— Taliyho-o-o-o ! 

Max. Yoicks ! — Tallyhoa-o-o-o ! (Exit, L.) 

Daz. There I am— quartered for a couple of years, at the least. 
The old boy wants somebody to ride his horses, shoot his game, 
and keep a restraint on the morals of the parish : I'm eligible. 
What a lucky accident to meet Young Courtly last night ! Who 
could have thought it ? Yesterday, I could not make certain of 
a dinner, except at my own proper peril ; to-day I would flirt 
with a banquet. 

Enter Young Courtly, r. 

Young C. What infernal row was that .'* Why, (j^^'z?/^ Dazzle) 
are you here still ? 

Daz. Yes. Ain't you delighted ? I'll ring, and send the ser- 
vant for my luggage. 

Young C. The devil you will ! Why, you don't mean to say 
you seriously intend to take up a permanent residence here ? 
{rings the bell) 

Daz. Now, that's a most inhospitable insinuation. 

Young C. Might I ask your name ? 

Daz. With a deal of pleasure — Richard Dazzle, late of the Un- 
attached Volunteers, vulgarly entitled the Dirty Buffs. 

Enter Martin, l. 

Young C. Then, Mr. Richard Dazzle, I have the honor of 
wishing you a very good morning. Martin, show this gentleman 
the door. 

Daz. If he does, I'll kick Martin out of it. No offence. 

(Exit, Martin, l.) 
Now, sir, permit me to place a dioramic view of your conduct 
before you. After bringing you safely home this morning — after 



20 L ONDON ASSURANCE. 

indulg-ently waiting-, whenever you took a passing fancy to a 
knocker or bell-pull— after conducting a retreat that would have 
reflected honor on Napoleon — you would kick me into the street, 
like a mangy cur ; and that's what you call gratitude. Now. to 
show you how superior I am to petty malice, I give you an un- 
limited invitation to my house — my country house — to remain as 
long as you please. 

Young C. Your house ! 

Daz. Oak Hall, Gloucestershire — fine old place ! — for further 
particulars see road book — that is, it nominally belongs to my old 
friend and relation, Max Harkaway ; but Tm privileged. Capital 
old fellow — say, shall we be honored ? 

Young C. Sir, permit me to hesitate a moment, {aside) Let 
me see ; I go back to college to-morrow, so I shall not be miss- 
ing ; tradesmen begin to dun — {a noise off L., between Martin 
a«^ Isaacs ; Cool has entered C, crosses and goes offh.) I 
hear thunder ; here is shelter ready for me. 

Re-enter Cool, l. 

Cool. Oh, Mr. Charles, Mr. Solomon Isaacs is in the hall, and 
swears he will remain till he has arrested you ! 

Young C. Does he ! — sorry he is so obstinate — take him my 
compliments, and I will bet him five to one he will not. 

Daz. Double or quits, with my kind regards. 

Cool. But, sir, he has discovered the house in Curzon street ; 
he says he is aware the furniture at least belongs to you, and he 
will put a man in immediately. 

Young C. That's awkward — what's to be done ? 

Daz. Ask him whether he couldn't make it a woman. 

Young C. I must trust that to fate. 

Daz. I will give you my acceptance, if it will be of any use tO 
you — it is of none to me. 

Young C. No, sir ; but in reply to your most generous and 
kind invitation, if you be in earnest, I shall feel delighted to ac- 
cept it. 

Daz. Certainly. 

Young C. Then off we go — through the stables — down the 
Mews, and so slip through my friend's fingers. 

Daz. But, stay, you must do the polite ; say farewell to him 
before you part. Damn it, don't cut him ! 

Young C. You jest ! 

Daz. Here, lend me a card. (Courtly ^V^.r hii7t one) Now, 
then, {writes) " Our respects to Mr. Isaacs — sorry to have been 
prevented from seeing him." Ha ! ha ! 

Young C. Ha ! ha ! 

Daz. We'll send him up some game. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 21 

Toung C. {to Cool) Don't let my father see him. 

(Rxeunt Young Courtly and Dazzle, r.) 

Cool. What's this ? " Mr. Charles Courtly, P. P. C, returns 

thanks for obliging inquiries." (Exit, l.) 

CURTAIN. 



ACT II. 

Scene — TAe lawn before Oak Hall, a fine Elizabetkaft man- 
sion ; a drawing-room is seen through large French windows 
at the back. Statues, urns and garden chairs about the 
stage. 

Enter Pert, through window, l., to James who is discovered. 

Pert. James, Miss Grace desires me to request that you will 
watch at the avenue and let her know when the squire's carriage 
is seen on the London road. (Exit, L.) 

James. I will go to the lodge. 

Pert. How I do long to see what kind of a man Sir Harcourt 
Courtly is ! They say he is sixty ; so he must be old, and con- 
sequently ugly. If I were Miss Grace, I would rather give up all 
my fortune and marry the man I liked, than go to church with a 
stuffed eel-skin. But taste is everything — she doesn't seem to care 
whether he is sixty or sixteen ; jokes at love ; prepares for matri- 
mony as she would for dinner ; says it is a necessary evil, and 
what can't be cured must be endured. Now, I say this is against 
all nature ; and sh^ is either no woman, or a deeper one than I 
am, if she prefers an old man to a young one. Here she comes ! 
looking as cheerfully as if she was going to marry Mr. Jenks ! 
My Mr. Jenks ! whom nobody wont lead to the halter till I have 
that honor. 

Enter Grace, from the drawing-room, L. 

Grace. Well, Pert ! any signs of my uncle yet ? 

Pert, (l.) No, Miss Grace ; but James has gone to watch the 
road. 

Grace. In my uncle's letter he mentions a Mr. Dazzle, whom 
he has invited ; so you must prepare a room for him. He is 
some friend of my husband that is to be, and my uncle seems to 
have taken an extraordinary predilection for him. Apropos ! I 
must not forget to have a bouquet for the dear old man when he 
arrives. 

Pert. The dear old man ! Do you mean Sir Harcourt .'* 



22 L OND ON A SS URANCE. 

Grace. La, no ! my uncle of course, {plucking flowers) 
What do I care for Sir Harcourt Courtly ? {crosses R.) 

Pert. Isn't it odd, Miss, you have never seen your intended, 
though it has been so long since you were betrothed ? 

Grace. Not at all ; marriage matters are conducted now-a- 
days in a most mercantile manner ; consequently, a previous 
acquaintance is by no means indispensable. Besides, my pre- 
scribed husband has been upon the continent for the benefit of his 
— property ! They say a southern climate is a great restorer of 
consumptive estates. 

Pert. Well, Miss, for my own part, I should like to have a 
good look at my bargain before I paid for it ; 'specially when 
one's life is the price of the article. But why, ma'am, do you 
consent to marry in this blind-man's-buff sort of manner ? What 
would you think if he were not quite so old ? 

Grace. I should think he was a little younger. 

Pert. I should like him all the better. 

Grace. That wouldn't I. A young husband might expect af- 
fection and nonsense, which 'twould be deceit in me to render ; 
nor would he permit me to remain with my uncle. Sir Harcourt 
takes me with the incumbrances on his estate, and I shall beg to 
be left among the rest of the live stock, {crosses L.) 

Pert. Ah, Miss ! but some day you might chance to stumble 
over the man — what could you do then ? 

Grace. Do ! beg the man's pardon, and request the man to 
pick me up again. 

Pert. Ah ! you were never in love. Miss. 

Grace. I never was, nor will be, till I am tired of myself and 
common sense. Love is a pleasant scape-goat for a little 
epidemic madness. I must have been inoculated in my infancy, 
for the infection passes over poor me in contempt. 

Enter James, l. 

James. Two gentlemen. Miss Grace, have just alighted. 

Grace. Very well, James. (Exit James, L.) 

Love is pictured as a boy ; in another century they will be wiser, 
and paint him as a fool, with cap and bells, without a thought 
above the jingling of his own folly. Now, Pert, remember this 
as a maxim — A woman is always in love with one of two 
things. 

Pert. What are they, Miss ? 

Grace. A man, or herself— and I know which is the most pro- 
fitable. (Exit L.) 

Pert. I wonder what my Jenks would say, if I was to ask him. 
La ! here comes Mr. Meddle, his rival, contemporary solicitor, as 
he calls him — a nasty, prying, ugly wretch — what brings him 
here ? He comes puffed with some news, {retires up R.) 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 23 

Enter Meddle, with a newspaper, l. 

Med. I have secured the only newspaper in the villag-e — my 
character, as an attorney-at-law, depended on the monopoly of 
its information. I took it up by chance, when this paragraph 
met my astonished view : {reads) " We understand that the con- 
tract of marriage so long in abeyance on account of the lady's 
minority, is about to be celebrated at Oak Hall, Gloucestershire, 
the well-known and magnificent mansion of Maximilian Harka- 
way, Esq., between Sir Harcourt Courtly, baronet, of fashionable 
celebrity, and Miss Grace Harkaway, niece to the said Mr. 
Harkaway. The preparations are proceeding in the good old 
English style." Is it possible ! I seldom swear, except in a wit- 
ness box, but, damme, had it been known in the village, my 
reputation would have been lost ; my voice in the parlor of the 
Red Lion mute, and Jenks, a fellow who calls himself a lawyer, 
without more capability than a broomstick, and as much im- 
pudence as a young barrister after getting a verdict by mistake, 
why, he would actually have taken the Reverend Mr. Spout by 
the button, which is now my sole privilege, {sees Pert) Ah ! 
here is Mrs, Pert ; couldn't have hit upon a better person. I'll 
cross-examine her — lady's maid to Miss Grace — confidential 
purloiner of second-hand silk — a nisi prius of her mistress — Ah ! 
sits on the woolsack in the pantry, and dictates the laws of kitchen 
etiquette. (Pert comes forward) Ah ! Mrs. Pert, good-morn- 
ing ; permit me to say — and my word as a legal character is not 
unduly considered — I venture to affirm that you look a — quite 
like the — a — 

Pert, (L.) Law ! Mr. Meddle. 

Med. (R.) Exactly, like the law. 

Pert. Ha ! indeed ; complimentary, I confess ; like the law ; 
tedious, prosy, made up of musty paper. You sha'n't have a long 
suit of me. Good-morning, {going) 

Med. Stay, Mrs. Pert ; don't calumniate my calling, or dis- 
seminate vulgar prejudices. 

Pert. Vulgar ! you talk of vulgarity to me ! you, whose sole 
employment is to sneak about like a pig, snouting out the dust- 
hole of society, and feeding upon the bad ends of vice ! you, 
who live upon the world's iniquity ; you miserable specimen of 
a bad six-and-eightpence ! {following him around to R.) 

Med. (R.) But, Mrs. Pert 

Pert. (R. c.) Don't but me, sir ; I won't be butted by any 
such low fellow. 

Med. This is slander ; an action will lie. 

Pert. Let it lie ; lying is your trade. I'll tell you what, Mr. 
Meddle ; if I had my will, I would soon put a check on your prying 
propensities. I'd treat you as the farmers do inquisitivcUiogs, 

Med. How? 



24 LONDON ASSURANCE, 

Pert. I would ring your nose. (Exit into house, L.) 

Med. Not much information elicited from that witness. Jenks 
is at the bottom of this. I have very little hesitation in saying, 
Jenks is a libellous rascal ; I heard reports that he was under- 
mining my character here, through Mrs. Pert. Now I'm cer- 
tain of it. Assault is expensive ; but I certainly will put by a I 
small weekly stipendium, until I can afford to kick Jenks. 

Daz. {outside) Come along ; this way ! 

Med. Ah ! whom have we here ? Visitors ; I'll address them. 

Enter Dazzle, l. 

Daz. Who's this, I wonder ; one of the family ? I must know 
him. {to Meddle) Ah ! how are ye ? 

Med. Quite well Just arrived ?— ah !— um ! Might I request 
the honor of knowing whom I address t 

Daz. Richard Dazzle, Esquire ; and you 

Med. Mark Meddle, attorney-at-law. 

Enter Young Courtly, l. 

Daz. What detained you ? 

Young C. My dear fellow, I have just seen such a woman 

Daz. {aside) Hush! {aloud) Permit me to introduce you to 
my very old friend, Meddle. He's a capital fellow ; know him. 

Med. (R.) I feel honored. Who is your friend t 

Daz. Oh, he ? What, my friend ? Oh ! Augustus Hamilton, 

Young C. How d'ye do ? {looking off) There she is again ! 

Med. {looking off^ Why, that is Miss Grace. 

Daz. (L. c.) Of course, Grace. 

Young C. (C.) I'll go and introduce myself. (DAZZLE stops 
him) 

Daz. {aside) What are you about? would you insult my old 
friend Puddle by running away? {aloud) I say. Puddle, just 
show my friend the lions, while I say how d'ye do to my young 
friend Grace, {aside) Cultivate his acquaintance. 

(Exit, L. u. E. Young Courtly looks after him) 

Med. Mr. Hamilton, might I take the liberty ? 

Young. C. [looking off) Confound the fellow ! 

Med. Sir, what did you remark ? 

Young. C. She's gone ! Oh, are you here still, Mr. Thingo- 
merry Puddle ? 

Med. Meddle, Sir, Meddle, in the list of attorneys. 

Young C. Well, Muddle or Puddle, or whoever you are, you 
are a bore. 

Med. {aside) How excessiv^ely odd ! Mrs. Pert said I was a 
pig ; now I'm a boar ! I wonder what they'll make of me next. 

Yming C. Mr. Thingamy, will you take a word of advice ? 

Med. Feel honored. 



L ONDON ASSURANCE, 25 

Young C. Get out. 

Med. Do you mean to — I don't understand. 

Young C. Delighted to quicken your apprehension. You are 
an ass, Puddle. 

Med. Ha ! ha ! another quadruped ! Yes ; beautiful, {aside) 
I wish he'd call me something libellous ; but that would be too 
much to expect, {aloud) Anything else ? 

Young C. Some miserable pettifogging scoundrel ! 

Med. Good ! ha ! ha ! 

Young C. What do you mean by laughing at me ? 

Med. Ha ! ha ! ha ! excellent ! delicious ! 

Young C. Mr. , are you ambitious of a kicking? 

Med. Very, very — Go on — kick — go on. 

Young C. [looking off) Here she comes ! I'll speak to her. 

Med. But, sir — sir 

Young C. Oh, go to the devil ! {ru7is off, L. U. E.) 

Med. There, there's a chance lost — gone ! I have no hesita- 
tion in saying that, in another minute, I should have been kicked ; 
literally kicked — a legal luxury. Costs, damages, and actions 
rose up like sky-rockets in my aspiring soul, with golden tails 
reaching to the infinity of my hopes, {looking) They are coming 
this way ; Mr. Hamilton in close conversation with Lady Courtly 
that is to be. Crim. Con. Courtly versus Hamilton — damages 
problematical — Meddle, chief witness for plaintiff — guinea a day 
— professional man ! I'll take down their conversation verbatim. 
{Retires behind a bush, R.) 

Enter Gkacy., followed by YouNG Courtly, l. u. e. 

Chraoe. (R.) Perhaps you would follow your friend into the 
dining-room ; refreshment, after your long journey, must be 
requisite. 

Young C. (L.) Pardon me, madam ; but the lovely garden and 
the loveliness before me, is better refreshment than 1 could pro- 
cure in any dining-room. 

Grace. Ha ! Your company and compliments arrive to- 
gether. 

Young C. I trust that a passing remark will not spoil so wel- 
come an introduction as this by offending you. 

Grace. I am not certain that anything you could say would 
offend me. 

Young C. I never meant 

Grace. I thought not. In turn, pardon me, when I request 
you will commence your visit with this piece of information — I 
consider compliments impertinent, and sweetmeat language ful- 
some. 

Young C. I would condemn my tongue to a Pythagorean 
silence, if I thought it could attempt to flatter. 



26 L OND ON ASSURANCE. 

Grace. It strikes me, sir, that you are a stray bee from the 
hive of fashion ; if so, reserve your honey for its proper cell. A 
truce to compliments. — You have just arrived from town, I 
apprehend. 

Young C. This moment I left mighty London, under the fever 
of a full season, groaning with the noisy pulse of wealth and the 
giddy whirling brain of fashion. Enchanting, busy London ! 
how have I prevailed on myself to desert you ! Next week the 
new ballet comes out — the week after comes Ascot. Oh ! 

Grace. How agonizing must be the reflection ! 

Young C. Torture ! Can you inform me how you manage to 
avoid suicide here 'i If there was but an opera, even, within 
twenty miles ! We couldn't get up a rustic ballet among the 
village girls ? No ? — ah ! 

Grace. I am afraid you would find that difficult. How I con- 
trive to support life I don't know — it is wonderful — but I have 
not precisely contemplated suicide yet, nor do I miss the opera. 

Young C. How can you manage to kill time ? 

Grace. 1 can't. Men talk of killing time, while time quietly 
kills them. I have many employments — this week I devote to 
study and various amusements — next week to being married — 
the following week to repentance, perhaps. 

Young C. Married ! 

Grace. You seem surprised ; I believe it is of frequent occur- 
rence in the metropolis — is it not ? 

Young C. O, yes, I believe they do it there. Might I ask to 
whom ? 

Grace. I have never seen him yet, but he is a gentleman who 
has been strongly recommended to me for the situation of 
husband. 

Young C. What an extraordinary match ! Would you not 
consider it advisable to see him, previous to incurring the con- 
sequences of such an act .? 

Grace. You must be aware that fashion says otherwise. The 
gentleman swears eternal devotion to the lady's fortune, and the 
lady swears she will outvie him still. My lord's horses and my 
lady's diamonds shine through a {^.^n seasons, until a seat in 
Parliament, or the Continent stares them in the face ; then, when 
thrown upon each other for resources of comfort, they begin to 
quarrel about the original conditions of the sale. 

Young C. Sale ! No ! that would be degrading civilization 
into Turkish barbarity. 

Grace. Worse, sir, a great deal worse ; for there at least they 
do not attempt concealment of the barter ; but here, every London 
ball-room is a marriage mart — young ladies are trotted out, while 
the mother, father, or chaperone plays auctioneer, and knocks 
them down to the highest bidder — young men are ticketed up 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 27 

with their fortunes on their backs — and Love, turned into a dap- 
per shopman, descants on the excellent qualities of the material. 

Young C. Oh ! that such a custom could have ever emanated 
from the healthy soil of an English heart ! 

Grace. No ; it never did — like most of our literary dandyisms 
and dandy literature, it was borrowed from the French. 

Young C. You seem to laugh at love. 

Grace. Love ! why, the very word is a breathing satire upon 
man's reason — a mania, indigenous to humanity — nature's jester, 
who plays off tricks upon the world, and trips up common sense. 
When I'm in love, I'll write an almanac, for very lack of wit — ■ 
prognosticate the sighing season — when to beware of tears — • 
about this time expect matrimony to be prevalent ! Ha ! ha ! 
Why should I lay out my life in love's bonds upon the bare security 
of a man's word } 

Enter James, l. 

James. The squire, madam, has just arrived, and another 
gentleman with him. (Exit James, L.) 

Grace, [aside) My intended, I suppose. 

Young C. I perceive you are one of the railers against what is 
termed the follies of high life. 

Grace. No, not particularly ; I deprecate all folly. By what 
prerogative can the west-end mint issue absurdity, which, if 
coined in the east, would be voted vulgar ? 

Young C. By a sovereign right — because it has Fashion's head 
upon its side, and that stamps it current. 

Grace. Poor Fashion, for how many sins hast thou to answer ! 
The gambler pawns his birthright for fashion — the roue steals 
his friend's wife for fashion — each abandons himself to the storm 
of impulse, calling, it the breeze of fashion. 

Young C. Is this idol of the world so radically vicious .? 

Grace. No ; the root is well enough, as the body was, until it 
had outgrown its native soil ; but now, like a mighty giant lying 
over Europe, it pillows its head in Italy, its heart in France, leav- 
ing the heels alone its sole support for England. 

Young C. Pardon me, madam, you wrong yourself to rail 
against your own inheritance — the kingdom to which loveliness 
and wit attest your title. 

Grace. A mighty realm, forsooth — with milliners for ministers, 
a cabinet of coxcombs, envy for my homage, ruin for my revenue 
— my right of rule depending on the shape of a bonnet or the set 
of a pelisse, with the next grand noodle as my heir-apparent. 
Mr. Hamilton, when I am crowned, I shall feel happy to abdicate 
in your favor. [curtesy and exit iftto house, L.) 

Young C. What did she mean by that ? Hang me if I can 
understand he" — she is evidently not used to society. Ha ! — 



28 LONDON ASSURANCE, 

takes every word I say for infallible truth — requires the solution 
of a compliment, as if it were a problem in Euclid. She said she 
was about to marry, but I rather imagine she was in jest. 'Pon 
my life, I feel very queer at the contemplation of such an idea — 
I'll follow her. (Meddle comes down, L.) Oh ! perhaps this 
booby can inform me something about her. (Meddle makes 
signs at him) What the devil is he at ? 

Med. It won't do — no — ah ! um — it's not to be done. 

Young. C. What do you mean ? 

Med. {^points after Grace) Counsel retained — cause to come 
off. 

Young C. Cause to come off ! 

Med. Miss Grace is about to be married. 

Young C. Is it possible .-* 

Med. Certainly. If I have the drawing out of the deeds 

Young C. To whom ? 

Med. Ha ! hem ! Oh, yes ! I dare say — information being 
scarce in the market, I hope to make mine valuable. 

Young C. Married ! married ! {pacing the stage) 

Med. Now I shall have another chance. 

Young C. I'll run and ascertain the truth of this from Dazzle. 

(Exit L.) 

Med. It's of no use ; he either dare not kick me, or he can't 
afford it — in either case, he is beneath my notice. Ah ! who 
comes here ? — can it be Sir Harcourt Courtly himself ? It can 
be no other. 

Enter CoOL, L. 

Sir, I have the honor to bid you welcome to Oak Hall and the 
village of Oldborough. 

Cool, (aside) Excessively polite, {aloud) Sir, thank you. 

Med. The township contains two thousand inhabitants. 

Cool. Does it ? I am delighted to hear it. {crosses R.) 

Med. {aside) I can charge him for that — ahem — six and eight- 
pence is not much — but it is a beginning, {aloud) If you will 
permit me, I can inform you of the different commodities for 
which it is famous. 

Cool. Much obliged — but here comes Sir Harcourt Courtly, 
my master, and Mr. Harkaway— any other time I shall feel de- 
lighted. 

Med. Oh ! {aside) Mistook the man for the master, {retires 
up R.) 

Enter Max and SiR Harcourt, l. 

Max. (c.) Here we are at last. Now give ye welcome to Oak 
Hall, Sir Harcourt, heartily ! 
Sir H. (L. c, languidly) Cool, assist me. (CoOL takes off his 



L ONDON ASSURANCE. 29 

cloak and gloves j gives kim white gloves and handkerchief, 
then places a Jiower in his coat ) 

Max. Why, you require unpacking- as carefully as my best bin 
of port. Well, now you are decanted, tell me what did you think 
of my park as we came along ? 

Sir H. That it would never come to an end. You said it was 
only a stone's throw from your infernal lodge to the house ; why, 
it's ten miles, at least. 

Max. I'll do it in ten minutes any day. 

Sir H. Yes, in a steam carriage. Cool, perfume my hand- 
kerchief. 

Max. Don't do it. Don't ! perfume in the country ! why, it's 
high treason in the very face of Nature ; 'tis introducing the 
robbed to the robber. Here are the sweets from which your 
fulsome essences are pilfered, and libelled with their names ; 
don't insult them, too. (Meddle cofues down, c.) 

Sir H. {to Meddle) Oh ! cull me a bouquet, my man ! 

Max. {turning) Ah, Meddle ! how are you ? This is Lawyer 
Meddle, {goes up, r.) 

Sir H. Oh ! I took him for one of your people. 

Med. Ah ! naturally — um — Sir Harcourt Courtly, I have the 
honor to congratulate — happy occasion approaches. Ahem ! 
I have no hesitation in saying this very happy occasion ap- 
proaches. 

Sir H. Cool, is the conversation addressed towards me ? 

Cool. (L.) I believe so, Sir Harcourt. 

Med. (C.) Oh, certainly ! I was complimenting you. 

Sir H. Sir, you are very good ; the honor is undeserved ; but 
I am only in the habit of receiving- compliments from the fair sex. 
Men's admiration is so damnably insipid, {crosses to Max who 
is seated on bench, L.) 

Med. I had hoped to make a unit on that occasion. 

Sir H. Yes, and you hoped to put an infernal number of 
cyphers after your unit on that and any other occasion. 

Med. Ha ! ha ! very good. Why, I did hope to have the honor 
of drawing out the deeds ; for, whatever Jenks may say to the 
contrary, I have no hesitation in saying- 

Sir H. {putting him aside ; to Max) If the future Lady 
Courtly be visible at so unfashionable an hour as this, I shall beg 
to be introduced. 

Max. Visible ! Ever since six this morning, I'll warrant ye. 
Two to one she is at dinner. 

Sir H. Dinner ! Is it possible ? Lady Courtly dine at half-past 
OTie P. M. ? 

Med. {down L.) I rather prefer that hour to peck a little 
my 

Sir H. Dear me ! who was addressing you ? 



3<5 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 



Med. Oh ! I beg pardon. 
Max. Here, James ! {calling) 

Enter James, l. 

Tell Miss Grace to come here directly. (Exit James, into house L.) 
Now prepare, Courtly, for, though I say it, she is — with the ex- 
ception of my bay mare, Kitty — the handsomest thing in the 
country. Considering she is a biped, she is a wonder ! Full of 
blood, sound wind and limb, plenty of bone, sweet coat, in fine 
condition, with a thorough-bred step, as dainty as a pet grey- 
hound. 

Sir H. Damme, don't compare her to a horse ! 

Max. Well, I wouldn't, but she's almost as fine a creature — 
close similarities. 

Med. Oh, very fine creature ! Close similarity, amounting to 
identity. 

Sir H. Good gracious, sir ! What can a lawyer know about 
women ? 

Med. Everything. The consistorial court is a fine study of 
the character, and I have no hesitation in saying that I have ex- 
amined more women than Jenks, or 

Sir H. Oh, damn Jenks ! 

Med. Sir, thank you. Damn him again, sir, damn him again! 

Enter Grace, /><?;;/ house, l. 

Grace, {runs to him) My dear uncle ! 

Max. Ah, Grace, you little jade, come here. 

Sir H. [eying her through his glass). Oh, dear ! she is a 
rural Venus ! I'm astonished and delighted. 

Max. Won't you kiss your old uncle ? {kisses her.) 

Sir H. {draws an agojtizing face). Oh ! — ah — um ! — N'im- 
porte ! — my privilege in embryo — hem ! It's very tantalizing, 
though. 

Max. You are not glad to see me, you are not. {kissing her 
again) 

Sir H. Oh ; no, no ! {aside) that is too much. I shall do 
something horrible presently if this goes on. {aloud) I should be 
sorry to curtail any little ebullition of affection ; but — ahem ! 
May I be permitted ? 

Max. Of course you may. There, Grace, is Sir Harcourt, 
your husband that will be. Go to him, girl, {she courtsies) 

Sir H. Permit me to do homage to the charms, the presence 
of which have placed me in sight of Paradise. (SIR HARCOURT 
and Grace retire) 

Enter Dazzle, l. 
Daz. Ah ! old fellow, how are you ? {crosses to Max.) 



L ONDON ASSURANCE, 31 

Max. (R. C.) I'm glad to see you. Are you comfortably quar- 
tered yet, eh ? 

Daz. Splendidly quartered ! What a place you've got here ! 
Here, Hamilton. 

Enter Young Courtly, /r^w house, down r. 

Permit me to introduce my friend, Augustus Hamilton. Capital 
fellow ! drinks like a sieve, and rides like a thunder-storm. 

Max. (R. c.) Sir, I'm devilish glad to see you. Here, Sir 

Harcourt, permit me to introduce to you {goes tip to Sir 

Harcourt) 

Young. C. The devil ! 

Daz. (r. c. aside) What's the matter ? 

Young C. {aside) Why, that is my governor, by Jupiter ! 

Daz. {aside) What, old Whiskers ! you don't say that .? 

Young C. {aside) It is ; what's to be done now ? 

Max. {advancing, C.) Mr. Hamilton, Sir Harcourt Courtly- 
Sir Harcourt Courtly, Mr. Hamilton. 

SirH. {advancing, \.. c.) Hamilton ! Good gracious! Bless 
me ! Why, Charles, is it possible i* — why, Max, that's my son ! 

Young C. {aside) What shall I do ? 

Max. Your son 1 

Grace. Your son, Sir Harcourt ! have you a son as old as that 
gentleman ? 

Sir H. No — that is — a — yes, — not by twenty years — a — Charles, 
why don't you answer me, sir .? 

Young C. {aside to Dazzle) What shall I say ? 

Daz. {aside) Deny your identity. 

Young C. {aside) Capital ! {aloud) What's the matter, sir ? 

Sir H. How came you down here, sir ? 

Young C. By one of Newman's best fours — in twelve hours 
and a quarter. 

Sir H. Isn't your name Charles Courtly ? 

Young C. Not to my knowledge. 

Sir H. Do you mean to say that you are usually called Augus- 
tus Hamilton ? 

Young C. Lamentable fact— and quite correct. 

Sir H. Cool, is that my son 1 

Cool. (L.) No, sir— it is not Mr. Charles— but it is very like 
Jiim. 

Max. I cannot understand all this, {goes up) 

Grace, {aside) I think I can. {goes up) 

Daz. {aside to YouNG C.) Give him a touch of the indignant. 

Young C. {crosses R. C) Allow me to say. Sir What-d'ye-call- 

*em-Hartly 

Sir H. Hartly, sir ! Courtly, sir ! Courtly ! 

Young C. Well, Hartly, or Court-heart, or whatever your name 



32 Z OND ON ASSURANCE, 

may be, I say your conduct is — a — a — , and were it not for the 
presence of this lady, I should feel inclined — to — to 

Sir H. No, no, that can't be my son, — he never would address 
me in that way. 

Max. {coffiing down) What is all this t 

Sir H. Sir, your likeness to my son Charles is so astonishing-, 
that it, for a moment — the equilibrium of my etiquette — 'pon my 
life, I — permit me to request your pardon. 

Med. (L.) Sir Harcourt, don't apologize, don't — bring an action. 
I'm witness. 

Sir H. Some one take this man away. (Meddle goes up stage 
with COOL)^ 

Enter ]KM^ES,from house, L. 

James. Luncheon is on the table, sir. 

Sir H. Miss Harkaway, I never swore before a lady in my 
life — except when I promised to love and cherish the late Lady 
Courtly, which I took care to preface with an apology, — I was 
compelled to the ceremony, and consequently not answerable for 
the language — but to that gentleman's identity I would have 
pledged — my hair. 

Grace, {aside) If that security were called for, I suspect the 
answer would be — no effects. 

(Exeunt SiR Harcourt and Grace, L.) 

Med. {to Max) I have something very particular to commu- 
nicate. 

Max. Can't listen at present. (Exit, L., into house) 

Med. {to Dazzle and Young C.) I can afford you informa- 
tion, which I 

Daz. Oh, don't bother ! ) ,„ . . , x 

Young C. Go to the devil ! \ (Exeunt L., into house) 

Med. Now, I have no hesitation in saying that is the height of 
ingratitude.— Oh— Mr. Cool— can you oblige me .? {presents his 
account) 

Cool' (R.) Why, what is all this ? 

Med. Small account versus you — to giving information con- 
cernmg the last census of the population of Oldborough and 
vicmity, six and eightpence. 

Cool. Oh, you mean to make me pay for this, do you ? 

Med. Unconditionally. 

Cool. Well, I have no objection— the charge is fair— but re- 
member, I am a servant on board wages, — will you throw in a 
little advice, gratis— if I give you the money 1 

Med. Ahem !— I will. 

Cool. A fellow has insulted me. I want to abuse him— what 
terms are actionable ? 

Med. You may call him anything you please, providing there 
are no witnesses. ^ & / i^ > \^ & 



LONDON ASSURANCE. ^^ 

Cool. Oh, may I? [looks around^ then you rascally, petti- 
fogging scoundrel ! 

Med. Hello ! {retreats to R.) 

Cool, {following hifTi) You mean — dirty — disgrace to your 
profession. 

Med. Libel — slander — 

Cool. {goi7ig up L ; turns) Ay, but where are your witnesses ? 

Med. Give me the costs — six and eightpence. 

Cool. I deny that you gave me the information at all. 

Med. You do ! 

Cool. Yes, where are your witnesses } (Exit into house, L.) 

Med. Ah— damme. I'm done at last ! (Exit into house, L.) 

CURTAIN. 



ACT III. 

Scene. — A morning room in Oak Hall, French windows open- 
ing to the lawn. Max a?id Sir Harcourt seated on one side. 
Dazzle on the other ; Grace ««</ Young Co\5KThY play ittg 
chess at back. All dressed for dinner. 

Max. {aside to SiR Harcourt) What can I do ? 

Sir H. Get rid of them civilly. 

Max. What, turn them out, after I particularly invited them 
to stay a month or two .'* 

Sir H. Why, they are disreputable characters ; as for that 
young fellow, in whom my Lady Courtly appears so particularly 
absorbed — I am bewildered — I have written to town for my 
Charles, my boy — it certainly is the most extraordinary like- 
ness 

Daz. Sir Harcourt, I have an idea 

Sir H. Sir, I am delighted to hear it. {aside to Max) That fel- 
low is a swindler. 

Max. I met him at your house. 

Sir H. Never saw him before in all my life. 

Daz. {crossing to SiR Harcourt) I will bet you five to one 
that I can beat you three out of four games of billiards, with one 
hand. 

Sir H. No, sir. 

Daz. I don't mind giving you ten points in fifty. 

Sir H. Sir, I never gamble. 

Daz. You don't ! Well, I'll teach you— easiest thing in life — 
you have every requisite — good temper. 

Sir H. I have not. sir. 



34 L OND ON A SS U RANGE. 

Daz. A long'-headed, knowing old buck. 

Sir H. Sir ! {they go up, conversing with Max, C.) 

Grace. Really, Mr. Hamilton, you improve. A young man 
pays us a visit, as you half intimate, to escape inconvenient 
friends — that is complimentary to us, his hosts. 

Young C. Nay, that is too severe. 

Grace. After an acquaintanceship of two days, you sit down 
to teach me chess and domestic economy at the same time. 
Might I ask where you graduated in that science — where you 
learned all that store of matrimonial advice which you have 
obliged me with ? {they come forward) 

Young C. I imbibed it, madam, from the moment I beheld 
you, and having studied my subject con amore, took my degree 
from your eyes. 

Grace. Oh, I see you are a Master of Arts already. 

Young C. Unfortunately, no — I shall remain a bachelor — till 
you can assist me to that honor. (Sir Harcourt rises) 

Daz. {aside, r.) How do you get on } 

Young C. {aside) Splendidly I Keep the old boy away ! 

Sir H. {going to them) Is the conversation strictly confiden- 
tial .? — or might I join ? 

Daz. {taking his arm) Oh, not in the least, my dear sir — we 
were remarking that rifle shooting was an excellent diversion 
during the summer months. 

Sir H. {drawing himself up) Sir, I was addressing 

Daz. And I was saying what a pity it was I couldn't find any 
one reasonable enough to back his opinion with long odds — come 
out on the lawn, and pitch up your hat, and I will hold you ten 
to one I put a bullet into it every time, at forty paces. 

Sir H. No, sir — I consider you 

Max. {at window) Here, all of you — look, here is Lady Gay 
Spanker coming across the lawn at a hand gallop ! 

Sir H. {running to window) Bless me, the horse is running 
away ! 

Max. Look how she takes that fence ! there's a seat. 

Sir H. {comes down, L. c.) Lady Gay Spanker — who may 
she be ? 

Grace, {down c.) Gay Spanker, Sir Harcourt? My cousin 
and dearest friend — you must like her. 

Sir H. It will be my devoir, since it is your wish — though it 
will be a hard task in your presence. 

Grace. I am sure she will like you. 

Sir H. Ha ! ha ! I flatter myself. 

Young C. Who, and what is she ? 

Grace. Glee, glee, made a living thing — Nature, in some frolic 
mood, shut up a merry devil in her eye, and, spiting Art, stole 
Joy's brightest harmony to thrill her laugh, which peals out sor- 



L OND ON ASSURANCE. 55 

row's knell. Her cry rings loudest in the field — the very echo 
loves it best, and as each hill attempts to ape her voice, Earth 
seems to laugh that it made a thing so glad. 

Max. (l.) Ay, the merriest minx I ever kissed. (Lady Gay 
laughs without) 

IiSidj Gay. {without) Max ! 

Max. Come in, you mischievous puss. 

Enter James, r. 
James. Mr. Adolphus and Lady Gay Spanker. (Exit.) 

Enter Lady Gay, k., fully equipped in riding habit, etc. 

Lady G. Ha ! ha ! Well, governor, how are ye ? I have been 
down five times, climbing up your stairs in my long clothes. 
How are you, Grace dear ? {kisses her) There, don't fidget, 
Max. And there — {kisses him, R. C.) there's one for you. 

Sir H. (L.) Ahem ! 

Lady G. (C.) Oh, gracious, I didn't see you had visitors. 

Max. (R.) Permit me to introduce {crosses c.) Sir Harcourt 
Courtly, Lady Gay Spanker. Mr. Dazzle, Mr. Hamilton — Lady 
Gay Spanker. 

Sir H. {aside) A devilish fine woman ! 

Daz. {aside to SiR Harcourt) She's a devilish fine woman. 

Lady G. You mustn't think anything of the liberties I take 
with my old papa here — bless him ! {kisses him again) 

Sir H. Oh, no ! {aside) I only thought I should like to be in 
his place. 

Lady G. I am so glad you have come. Sir Harcourt. Now we 
shall be able to make a decent figure at the heels of a hunt. 

Sir H. Does your ladyship hunt ? 

Lady G. Ha ! I say, governor, does my ladyship hunt "i I 
rather flatter myself that I do hunt ! Why, Sir Harcourt, one 
might as well live without laughing as without hunting. It's in- 
digenous to humanity. Man was formed expressly to fit a horse. 
Are not hedges and ditches created for leaps ? Of course ! And 
I look upon foxes to be one of the most blessed dispensations of 
a benign Providence. 

Sir H. Yes, it is all very well in the abstract ; I tried it once. 

Lady G, Once ! Only once ? 

Sir H. Once, only once. And then the animal ran away 
with me. 

Lady G. Why, you would not have him walk ? 

Sir H. Finding my society disagreeable, he instituted a series 
of kicks, with a view to removing the annoyance ; but aided by 
the united stays of the mane and tail, I frustrated his inten- 
tions, {all laugh) His next resource, however, was more effect- 
ual, for he succeeded in rubbing me off against a tree. 



36 L0NJ:>0N ASSURANCE. 

Max and Lady G. Ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Daz. How absurd you must have looked with your legs and 
arms in the air, like a shipwrecked tea-table. 

Sir H. Sir, I never looked absurd in my life. Ah, it may be 
very amusing in relation, I dare say, but very unpleasant in effect. 

Lady G. I pity you, Sir Harcourt ; it was criminal in your 
parents to neglect your education so shamefully. 

Sir H. Possibly ; but be assured, I shall never break my neck 
awkwardly from a horse, when it might be accomplished with 
less trouble from a bed room window. 

Young C. (R., aside) My dad will be caught by this she Bu- 
cephalus tamer. 

Ma:s. Ah ! Sir Harcourt, had you been here a month ago, 
you would have witnessed the most glorious run that ever swept 
over merry England's green cheek — a steeple-chase, sir, which I 
intended to win, but my horse broke down the day before. I 
had a chance, notwithstanding, and but for Gay here, I should 
have won. How I regretted my absence from it ! How did my 
filly behave herself. Gay } 

Lady G. Gloriously, Max ! gloriously ! There were sixteen 
horses in the field, all mettle to the bone ; the start was a picture 
— away we went in a cloud — pell mell — helter-skelter— the fools 
first, as usual, using themselves up— we soon passed them — first 
your Kitty, then my Blueskin, and Craven's colt last. Then came 
the tug — ^Kitty skimmed the walls — Blueskin flew over the fences 
— the colt neck-and-neck, and half a mile to run — at last the colt 
baulked a leap and went wild. Kitty and I had it all to our- 
selves — she was three lengths ahead as we breasted the last 
wall, six feet, if an inch, and a ditch on the other side. Now, 
for the first time, I gave Blueskin his head — ha ! ha ! Away he 
flew like a thunderbolt — over went the filly — I over the same 
spot, leaving Kitty in the ditch — walked the steeple, eight miles 
in thirty minutes, and scarcely turned a hair, {crosses R. and 
L. c.) 

All. Bravo ! Bravo ! 

Lady G. (L. c.) Do you hunt ? 

Daz. (L.) Hunt ! I belong to a hunting family. I was born 
on horseback and cradled in a kennel ! Ay, and I hope I may 
die with a whoo-whoop ! 

Max. {to Sir Harcourt) You must leave your town habits in 
the smoke of London ; here we rise with the lark. 

Sir H. Haven't the remotest conception when that period is. 

Grace, (c.) The man that misses sunrise loses the sweetest 
part of his existence. 

Sir H. Oh, pardon me ; I have seen sunrise frequently after a 
ball, or from the windows of my travelling carriage, and I al- 
ways considered it excessively disagreeable. 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 37 



r..,..,. „..,..... 

^ririg eye of morning, the silent song the flowers breathe, the 
thrilling choir of the woodland minstrels, to which the modest 
brook trickles applause ; these swelling out the sweetest chord 
of sweet creation's matins, seem to pour some soft and merry- 
tale into the daylight's ear, as if the waking world had dreamed 
a happy thing, and now smiled o'er the telling of it. 

Sir H. The effect of a rustic education ! Who could ever dis- 
cover music in a damp foggy morning, except those confounded 
waits, who never play in tune, and a miserable wretch who 
I makes a point of crying coffee under my window just as I am 
persuading myself to sleep : in fact, I never heard any music 
worth listening to, except in Italy. 

Lady G. No ? then you never heard a well-trained English 
pack in full cry ! 

Sir H. Full cry ! 

Lady G. Ay ! there is harmony, if you will. Give me the 
trumpet-neigh ; the spotted pack just catching scent. What a 
chorus is their yelp ! The view-hallo, blent with a peel of free 
and fearless mirth ! That's our old English music — match it 
where you can. 

Sir H. (L. C, aside) I must see about Lady Gay Spanker. 

Daz. (L., aside to Sir Harcourt) Ah, would you 

Lady G-. Time then appears as young as love, and plumes as 
swift a wing. Away we go ! The earth flies back to aid our 
course ! Horse, man, hound, earth, heaven ! — all — all — one 
piece of glowing ecstacy ! Then I love the world myself, and 
every living thing — my jocund soul cries out for very glee, as it 
could wish that all creation had but one mouth, that I might kiss 
it ! {goes up, c.) 

Sir H. {aside) I wish I were the mouth ! 

Max. Why, we will regenerate you, Baronet ! 

Daz. {clapping his shoulder) Ay, we'll regenerate you ! (SiR 
H. angrily goes up and gets arouftd to R.) 

Max. But Gay, where is ,your husband ? Where is Adol- 
phus ? 

Lady G. {coming down) Bless me, where is my Dolly 1 

Sir H. You are married, then ? 

Lady G. 1 have a husband somewhere, though I can't find him 
just now. {calls) Dolly, dear ! {aside to Max) Governor, at 
home I always whistle when I want him. 

Enter Spanker, r. u. e. ; Grace and Max meet him and shake 
hands. 

Spanker. Here I am — did you call me, Gay ? 
Sir H. {eying him) Is that your husband ? 
Lady G. {aside) Yes, bless his stupid face, that's my Dolly. 



38 L ONDON ASSURANCE. 

Max. Permit me to introduce you to Sir Harcourt Courtly. 

Span. How d'ye do ? I — ah ! — um ! {appears frightened) 

Lady G. {gets behind him, L. c.) Delighted to have the honor 
of making the acquaintance of a gentleman so highly celebrated 
in the world of fashion. 

Span. Oh, yes, delighted, I'm sure — quite — very, so delighted 
— delighted ! {gets quite confused, draws on his glove and 
tears it.) 

Lady G. Where have you been, Dolly ? 

Span. Oh, ah, I was just outside. 

Max. Why did you not come in ? 

Span. I'm sure I didn't — I don't exactly know, but I thought 
as — perhaps — I can't remember. 

Daz. Shall we have the pleasure of your company to dinner ? 

Span. I always dine — usually — that is, unless Gay remains ■ 

Lady G. Stay to dinner, of course ; we came on purpose to 
stop three or four days with you. 

Grace. Will you excuse my absence, Gay ? 

Max. What ! what ! Where are you going ? What takes you 
away ? 

Grace. We must postpone the dinner till Gay is dressed. 

Max. Oh, never mind, — stay where you are. 

Grace. No, I must go. 

Max. I say you sha'n't ! I will be king in my own house. 
^ Grace. Do, my dear uncle ; {crosses) you shall be king, and 
I'll be your prime minister, — that is, I'll rule, and you shall have 
the honor of taking the consequences. (Exit, L.) 

Lady G. Well said, Grace ; have your own way, it is the only 
thing we women ought to be allowed. 

Max. Come, Gay, dress for dinner. 

Sir H. (r.) Permit me, Lady Gay Spanker. 

Lady G. (C.) With pleasure, — what do you want ? 

Sir H. To escort you. 

Lady G. Oh, never mind, I can escort myself, thank you, and 
Dolly too ; come, dear ! (Exit R ) 

Sir H. Au revoir ! ' v •/ 

Span. Ah ! thank you ! (Exit, awkwardly, R.) 

Sir H. What an ill-assorted pair ! 

Max. Not a bit ! She married him for freedom, and she has 
it ; he married her for protection, and he has it. 

Sir H. How he ever summoned courage to propose to her, I 
can't guess. 

Max. {takes his arm) Bless you, he never did. She proposed 
to him. She says he would if he could ; but as he couldn't, she 
did It for him. 

(Exeunt Max ^«^Sir H., laughing, through window, R.) 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 39 

Enter Cool with letter, l. 

Cool. (L.) Mr. Charles, I have been watching to find you alone. 
Sir Harcourt has written to town for you. 

Young C. (R.) The devil he has ! 

Cool. He expects you down to-morrow evening. 

Daz. (c.) Oh ! he 11 be punctual. A thought strikes me. 

Young C. Pooh ! Confound your thoughts ! I can think of 
nothing but the idea of leaving Grace, at the very moment when 
I had established the most 

Daz. What if I can prevent her marriage with your governor ? 

Young C. Impossible ! 

Daz. He's pluming himself for the conquest of Lady Gay 
Spanker. It will not be difficult to make him believe she accedes 
to his suit. And if she would but join in the plan 

Young C. I see it all. And do you think she would ? 

Daz. I mistake my game if she would not. 

Cool. Here comes Sir Harcourt ! 

Daz. I'll begin with him. Retire, and watch how I'll open the 
campaign for you. (Young Courtly and Cool retire.) 

Enter Sir Harcourt, dy window, R. 

Sir H. Here is that cursed fellow again. 

Daz. Ah, my dear old friend ! 

Sir H. Mr. Dazzle ! 

Daz. I have a secret of importance to disclose to you. Are 
you a man of honor ? Hush ! don't speak ; you are. It is with 
the greatest pain I am compelled to request you, as a gentleman, 
that you will shun studiously the society of Lady Gay Spanker ! 

Sir H. Good gracious ! Wherefore, and by what right do 
you make such a demand ? 

Daz. Why, I am distantly related to the Spankers. 

Sir H. Why, hang it, sir, if you don't appear to be related to 
every family in Great Britain ! 

Daz. A good many of the nobility claim me as a connection. 
But, to return — she is much struck with your address ; evidently, 
she laid herself out for display 

Sir H. Ha ! you surprise me ! 

Daz. To entangle you. 

Sir H. Ha ! ha ! why, it did appear like it. 

Daz. You will spare her for my sake ; give her no encourage- 
ment ; if disgrace come upon my relatives, the Spankers, I should 
never hold up my head again. 

Sir H. {aside) I shall achieve an easy conquest, and a glor- 
ious. Ha ! ha ! I never remarked it before, but this is a gen- 
tleman. 

Daz. May I rely on your generosity ? 

Sir H. Faithtully. {shakes his hand) Sir, I honor and esteem 



40 L ONDON ASSURANCE, 

you ; but, might I ask, how came you to meet our friend, Max 
Harkaway, in my house in Belgrave Square ? 

Re-enter YouNG COURTLY, sits on sofa at back, L. 

Daz. Certainly. I had an acceptance of your son's for one 
hundred pounds. 

Sir H. {astonished) Of my son's .? Impossible ! 

Daz. Ah, sir, fact ! he paid a debt for a poor unfortunate 
man — fifteen children — half-a-dozen wives — the devil knows 
what all. 

Sir H. Simple boy. 

Daz. Innocent youth, I have no doubt ; when you have the 
hundred convenient, I shall feel delighted. 

Sir H. Oh ! follow me to my room, and if you have the docu- 
ment, it will be happiness to me to pay it. Poor Charles ! good 
heart \ 

Daz. Oh, a splendid heart ! I dare say. 

(Exit Sir Harcourt, l.) 
Come here ; bring your splendid heart here and write me the 
bill. 

Young C. (r., at table) What for ? 

Daz. What for ? why, to release the unfortunate man and his 
family, to be sure, from jail. 

Young C. Who is he ? 

Daz. Yourself. 

Young C. But I haven't fifteen children ! 

Daz. Will you take your oath of that ? 

Youilg C. Nor four wives. 

Daz. More shame for you, with all that family. Come, don't 
be obstinate ; write and date it back. 

Young C. Ay, but where is the stamp ? 

Daz. Here they are, of all patterns, {pulls out a pocket-book) 
I keep them ready drawn in case of necessity, all but the date 
and acceptance. Now, if you are in an autographic humor, you 
can try how your signature will look across half-a-dozen of 
them; — there — write — exactly — you know the place — across — 
good — and thank your lucky stars that you have found a friend 
at last, that gives you money and advice, {takes paper) I'll 
give the old gentleman this, and then you can relieve the neces- 
sities of your fifteen little unfortunates. (Exit L.) 

Young C. Things are approaching to a climax ; I must appear 
in propria persona — and immediately — but I must first ascer- 
tain what are the real sentiments of this riddle of a woman. 
Does she love me ? I flatter myself — by Jove here she comes — 
I shall never have such an opportunity again ! {retires up, R.) 
Enter Grace, l. 

Grace. I wish I had never seen Mr. Hamilton. Why does 



I 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 41 

every object appear robbed of the charm it once presented to 
me ? Why do I shudder at the contemplation of this marriage 
which, till now, was to me a subject of indifference ? {crosses, 
R.) Am I in love ? In love ! if I am, my past life has been the 
work of raising up a pedestal to place my own folly on — I — the 
infidel — the railer ! 

Young C. {advancing, L.) Meditating upon matrimony, 
madam ? 

Grace, {aside) He little thinks he was the subject ot my 
meditations ! {aloud) No, Mr. Hamilton, I 

Young C. {aside) I must unmask my battery now. 

Grace, {aside) How foolish I am— he will perceive that I 
tremble— I must appear at ease, {a pause) 

Young C. Eh ? ah ! um ! 

Grace. Ah ! {they sink into silence again; aside) How very 
awkward ! 

Young C. {aside) It is a very difficult subject to begin, {aloud) 
Madam — ahem — there was — is — I mean— I was about to remark 

that I was about to observe a — {aside) Hang me if it is not 

a very slippery subject. I must brush up my faculties ; attack 
her in her own way. {aloud) Sing ! oh, muse ! {aside) Why, I 
have made love before to a hundred women ! 

Grace, {aside) I wish I had something to do, for I have 
nothing to say. 

Young C. Madam — there is — a subject so fraught with fate to 
my future life, that you must pardon my lack of delicacy should 
a too hasty expression mar the fervent courtesy of its intent. 
[pause) To you, I feel aware, I must appear in the light of a 
comparative stranger. 

Grace, {aside) I know what's coming. 

Young C. Of you — I know perhaps too much for my own 
peace. 

Grace, (aside) He is in love. 

Young C. I forget all that befell before I saw your beauteous 
self; I seem born into another world — my nature changed — the 
beams of that bright face falling on my soul, have, from its chaos, 
warmed into life the flowrets of affection, whose maiden odors 
now float toward the sun, pouring forth on their pure tongue a 
mite of adoration, midst the voices of a universe, [aside) That's 
something in her own style. 

Grace. Mr. Hamilton ! 

Young C. You cannot feel surprised 

Grace. I am more than surprised, {aside) I am delighted. 

Young C. Do not speak so coldly. 

Grace. You have offended me. 

Young C. No, madam ; no woman, whatever her state, can be 



42 L ONDON ASSURANCE. 

offended by the adoration even of the meanest ; it is myself whom 
I have offended and deceived— but still I ask your pardon. 

Grace, {aside) Oh ! he thinks I am refusing him. {aloud) I 
am not exactly offended, but 

Young C. Consider my position — a few days — and an unsur- 
mountable barrier would have placed you beyond my wildest 
hopes — you would have been my mother, {he starts tip, attnoyed 
at having betrayed himself) 

Grace. I should have been your mother ! {aside) I thought so. 

Young C. No — that is, I meant Sir Harcourt Courtly's bride. 

Grace, {with great emphasis) Never ! 

Young C. How ! never ! may I then hope ? — you turn away — 
you would not lacerate me by a refusal ? 

Grace, [aside) How stupid he is ! 

Young C. Still silent ! 1 thank you. Miss Grace — I ought to 
have expected this — fool that I have been — one course alone re- 
mains — farewell ! 

Grace, {aside), Now he's going. 

Young C. Farewell forever! {sits) Will you not speak one 
word ? I shall leave this house immediately — I shall not see you 
again. 

Grace. Unhand me, sir, I insist. 

Young C. {aside) Oh ! what an ass I've been ! {rushes up to 
her and seizes her hand) Release this hand ? Never ! never ! 
{kissing it) Never will I quit this hand ! it shall be my compan- 
ion in misery — in solitude — when you are far away. 

Grace. Oh ! should any one come ! {drops her ha^tdkerchief; 
he stoops to pick it up) For Heaven's sake do not kneel. 

Young C. [kneels) Forever thus prostrate, before my soul's 
saint, I will lead a pious life of eternal adoration. 

Grace. Should we be discovered thus — pray, Mr. Hamilton — 
pray — pray. 

Young C. Pray ! I am praying ; what more can I do ? 

Grace. Your conduct is shameful. 

Young C. It is. {rises) 

Grace. And if I do not scream, it is not for your sake — that — 
but it might alarm the family. 

Young C. It might — it would. Say, am I wholly indifferent to 
you ? I entreat one word — I implore you — do not withdraw your 
hand, {she snatches it away — he puts his arm around her 
waist) You smile. 

Grace. Leave me, dear Mr. Hamilton ! 

Young C. Dear ! Then I am dear to you ; that word once 
more ; say — say you love me ! 

Grace. Is this fair ? {he catches her in his arms and kisses 
her) 



L OND ON ASS U RANGE. 43 

Enter Lady Gay Spanker, r. 

Lady G. Ha ! oh ! 

Grace. Gay ! destruction ! (Exit, L.) 

Young C. Fizgig ! The devil ! 

Lady G. Don't mind me — pray, don't let me be any interrup- 
tion ! 

Young C. I was just 

Lady G. Yes, I see you were. 

Young C. Oh ! madam, how could you mar my bliss in the 
very ecstasy of its fulfilment ? 

Lady G. I always like to be in at the death. Never drop your 
ears ; bless you, she's only a little fresh — give her her head, and 
she will outrun herself. 

Young C. Possibly ; but what am I to do .? 

Lady G. Keep your seat. 

Young C. But in a few days she will take a leap that must 
throw me — she marries Sir Harcourt Courtly. 

Lady G. Why, that is awkward, certainly ; but you can chal- 
lenge him, and shoot him. 

Young C. Unfortunately that is out of the question. 

Lady G. How so .'' 

Young C. You will not betray a secret, if I inform you ? 

Lady G. All right— what is it ? 

Young C. I am his son. 

Lady G. What — his son ? But he does not know you ? 

Young C. No ; I met him here by chance, and faced it out, 
I never saw him before in my life. 

Lady G. Beautiful ! I see it all — you're in love with your 
mother that should be — your wife, that will be. 

Young C. Now, I think I could distance the old gentleman, if 
you will but lend us your assistance. 

Lady G. I will, in anything. 

Young C. You must know, then, that my father, Sir Harcourt, 
has fallen desperately in love with you. 

Lady G. With me ! {utters a scream of delight) That is de- 
licious ! 

Young C. Now, if you only could 

Lady G. Could !— I will ! Ha ! ha ! I see my cue. I'll cross 
his scent— I'll draw him after me. Ho ! ho ! won't I make love 
to him ? Ha ! 

Young C. The only objection might be Mr, Spanker who 
might 

Lady G. No, he mightn't, he has no objection. Bless him 
he's an inestimable little character — you don't know him as well 
as I do. I dare say— ha 1 ha ! {dinner-bell rings) Here they 
come to dinner. I'll commence my operations on your governor 
immediately. Ha ! ha ! how I shall enjoy it. 



44 L OND ON ASSURANCE. 

Young C. Be guarded ! 

Enter Max Harkaway, r. ; Sir Harcourt, l. ; Dazzle, r. ; 
Grace and Spanker, l. 

Maz. Now, gentlemen — Sir Harcourt, do you lead Grace. 
Lady G. I believe Sir Harcourt is engaged to me. {takes his 
ami) 
Max. Well, please yourselves. 

They file out, L. Max first, Young Courtly and Grace, Sir 
Harcourt coquetting with Lady Gay, leaving Dazzle, 
who offers his arm to Spanker, atid walks on. Spanker 
runs after him, trying to take it. 

CURTAIN. 



ACT IV. 

Scene. — Same as Act III. Grace and Lady Gay, discovered 

drinking coffee. 

Grace, {on ottoman, c.) If there be one habit more abomi- 
nable than another, it is that of the gentlemen sitting over their 
wine ; it is a selfish, unfeeling fashion, and a gross insult to our 
sex. 

Lady G. (R.) We are turned out just when the fun begins. 
How happy the poor wretches look at the contemplation of 
being rid of us. 

Grace. The conventional signal for the ladies to withdraw is 
anxiously and deliberately waited for. 

Lady G. Then I begin to wish I were a man. 

Grace. The instant the door is closed upon us, there rises a 
roar 1 

Lady G. In celebration of their short-lived liberty, my love; 
rejoicing over their emancipation. 

Grace. I think it very insulting, whatever it may be. 

Lady G. Ah ! my dear, philosophers say that man is the crea- 
ture of an hour — it is the dinner hour, I suppose. 

Daz. {^without) A song, a song ! (Y 0\C^?> as if in approval of 
the proposition, knocking on table, etc. " Bravo ! " at back. 
Enter SERVANT. L., to take coffee cups from Lady Gay and 
Grace.) "^ 

Grace. I am afraid they are getting too pleasant to be 
agreeable. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 45 

Lady G. I hope the squire will restrict himself; after his 
third bottle he becomes rather voluminous, {cries ^"Silence.") 
Some one is going to sing, {jumps up) Let us hear ! (Spanker 
is heard to sing " A Southerly Wind and a Cloudy sky ; " after 
verse, chorus) 

Grace. Oh, no, Gay, for Heaven's sake ! 

Lady G. Oho ! ha ! ha ! why, that is my Dolly, {at the con- 
clusion of the verse) Well, I never heard my Dolly sing before ! 
Happy wretches, how I envy them ! 

Enter James, l., with a note. 

James. Mr. Hamilton has just left the house for London. 

Grace. Impossible ! — that is, without seeing — that is 

Lady G. Ha ! ha ! 

Grace. He never — speak, sir ! 

James. He left. Miss Grace, in a desperate hurry, and this 
note, I believe, for you. {presenting a note on salver.) 

Grace. For me I {about to snatch it, but restraining herself, 
takes it coolly.) (Exit, James, L.) 

Excuse me, Gay. {reads) " Your manner during dinner has 
left me no alternative but instant departure ; my absence will 
release you from the oppression which my society must neces- 
sarily inflict on your sensitive mind. It may tend also to 
smother, though it can never extinguish, that indomitable pas- 
sion, of which I am the passive victim. Dare I supplicate par- 
don and oblivion for the past ? It is the last request of the self- 
deceived, but still loving AUGUSTUS Hamilton." {puts her 
hand to her forehead and appears giddy) 

Lady G. Hallo, Grace ! Pull up ; what's the matter ? 

Grace, {recovering herself) Nothing — the heat of the room. 

Lady G. Oh ! what excuse does he make ? particular unfore- 
seen business, I suppose ? 

Grace. Why, yes — a mere formula — a — a — you may put it in 
the fire, {puts it in her bosom) 

Lady G. {aside) It is near enough to the fire where it is. 

Grace, (c.) I'm glad he's gone. 

Lady G. (R.) So am I. 

Grace. He was a disagreeable, ignorant person. 

Lady G. Yes ; and so vulgar. 

Grace. No, he was not at all vulgar. 

Lady G. I mean in appearance. 

Grace. Oh ! how can you say so ? he was very distingue. 

Lady G. Well, I might have been mistaken, but! took him for 
a forward, intrusive 

Grace. Good gracious, Gay ! he was very retiring — even shy. 

Lady G. {aside) It's all right. She is in love, — blows hot and 
cold in the same breath. 



\ 



46 L ONDON ASSURANCE. 

Grace. How can you be a competent judge ? Why, you have 
not known him more than a few hours, — while I — I 

Lady G. Have known him two days and a quarter ! I yield — 
I confess, I never was, or will be so intimate with him as you ap- 
peared to be ! Ha ! ha ! {loud noise of argument j the folding- 
doors are thrown open) 

UntGT the whole party of G^^Tl.Y.U¥JN, apparently engaged in 
warm discussion. They assemble in knots, while the Ser- 
vants hand coffee, etc. Max, Sir Harcourt, Dazzle, and 
Spanker, together. 

Daz. (l.) But, my dear sir, consider the state of the two coun- 
tries, under such a constitution. 

Sir H. (l. C.) The two countries ! What have they to do with 
the subject ? 

Max. (l. c.) Everything. Look at their two legislative bodies. 

Span. (C.) Ay, look at their two legislative bodies. 

Sir H. Why, it would inevitably establish universal anarchy 
and confusion. 

Grace. (R. C.) I think they are pretty well established already. 

Span. Well, suppose it did, what has anarchy and confusion 
to do with the subject .-* 

Lady G. (R. C.) Do look at my Dolly : he is arguing — talking 
politics — *pon my life he is. {calling) Mr. Spanker, my dear ! 

Span. Excuse me, love, I am discussing a point of importance. 

Lady G. Oh, that is delicious ; he must discuss that to me. 
{she goes up and leads him dowjt, he appears to have shaken off 
his gaucherie J she shakes her head) Dolly ! Dolly ! 

Span. Pardon me, Lady Gay Spanker, I conceive your mutila- 
tion of my sponsorial appellation highly derogatory to my 
amour proprc. 

Lady G. Your what ? Ho ! ho ! 

Span. And 1 particularly request that, for the future, I may not 
be treated with that cavalier spirit which does not become your 
sex nor your station, your ladyship. 

Lady G. You have been indulging till you have lost the little 
wit nature dribbled into your unfortunate little head — your 
brains want the whipper-in — you are not yourself. 

Span. Madam, I am doubly myself; and permit me to inform 
you, that unless you voluntarily pay obedience to my commands, 
I shall enforce them. 

Lady G. Your commands ! 

Span. Yes, madam ; I mean to put a full stop to your hunting. 

Lady G. You do ! ah ! {aside) I can scarcely speak from de- 
light, {aloud) Who put such an idea into your head, for I am 
sure it is not an original emanation of your genius ? 

Span. Sir Harcourt Courtly, my friend ; and now, mark me ! 



L ONDON ASSURANCE. 47 

I request, for your own sake, that I may not be compelled to as- 
sert my a — my authority, as your husband. I shall say no more 
than this — if you persist in your absurd rebellion 

Lady G. Well ? 

Span. Contemplate a separation. 

{looks at her haughtily aiid retires, C.) 

Lady. G. Now I'm happy ! My own little darling, inestimable 
Dolly, has tumbled into a spirit, somehow. Sir Harcourt, too ! 
Ha ! ha ! he's trying to make him ill-treat me, so that his own 
suit may thrive. 

Sir H. (L., advances) Lady Gay ! 

Lady G. {aside) Now for it. {they sit on ottoman, C.) 

Sir H. What hours of misery were those I passed when, by 
your secession, the room suffered a total eclipse. 

Lady G. Ah ! you flatter. 

Sir H. No, pardon me, that were impossible. No, believe me, 
I tried to join in the boisterous mirth, but my thoughts would 
desert to the drawing-room. Ah ! how I envied the careless 
levity and cool indifference with which Mr. Spanker enjoyed your 
absence. 

Daz. {^ivho is lounging ifi a chair, R.) Max, that Madeira is 
worth its weight in gold ; I hope you have more of it. 

Max. (R., talkittg with GRACE and SPANKER) A pipe, I think. 

Daz. I consider a magnum of that nectar, and a meerschaum 
of kanaster, to consummate the ultimatum of all mundane bliss. 
To drown myself in liquid ecstacy and then blow a cloud on 
which the enfranchised soul could soar above Olympus. Oh ! 
Enter James, l. 

James. Mr. Charles Courtly ! (Exit L.) 

Sir H. Ah now, Max, you must see a living apology for my 
conduct. 

Enter Young Courtly, dressed very plainly, L. 
W^ell, Charles, how are you ? Don't be afraid. There, Max, 
what do you say now .? 

Max. (R. C.) Well, this is the most extraordinary likeness. 

Grace. (R. aside) Yes — considering it is the original. I am 
not so easily deceived ! 

Max. {crosses L. c. and shakes hatids) Sir, I am delighted to 
see you. 

Young C. Thank you, sir. 

Daz. (R.) Will you be kind enough to introduce me, Sir Har- 
court ? 

Sir H. This is Mr. Dazzle, Charles. 

Young C. Which ? {looking from Spanker r. c. to dazzle r. 
Dazzle crosses r. c, nearly tumbling over SPANKER who goes 
up, Charles winks at Dazzle) 



48 LONDON ASSUnANtE, 

Sir H. {to Lady Gay) Is not that refreshing ? Miss Harka- 
way — Charles, this is your mother, or rather will be. 

Young C. Madam, I shall love, honor, and obey you punctually. 
{take8 out a book, sighs, and goes up reading) 

Enter James, l. 

Sir H. You perceive ? Quite unused to society — perfectly 
ignorant of every conventional rule of life. 

James. The doctor and the young ladies have arrived. 

(Exit, L.) 

Max. The young ladies — now we must go to the hall — I make 
it a rule always to commence the festivities with a good old 
country dance — a rattling Sir Roger de Coverly ; come, Sir 
Harcourt. 

Sir H. Does this antiquity require a war-whoop in it ? 

Max. (c.) Nothing but a nimble foot and a light heart. 

Sir H. Very antediluvian indispensables ! Lady Gay Spanker, 
will you honor me by becoming my preceptor ? 

Lady G, Why, I am engaged — but {aloud) on such a plea as 
Sir Harcourt's, I must waive all obstacles, [gives her hand) 

Max. Now, Grace, girl — give your hand to Mr. Courtly. 

Grace, [sitting C.) Pray, excuse me, uncle — I have a headache. 

Sir H. {aside L. c, leading'LADY Gay) Jealousy ! by the gods. 
Jealous of my devotions at another's fane ! {aloud) Charles, my 
boy ! amuse Miss Grace during our absence. 

(Exit with Lady Gay, l.) 

Max. (L.) But don't you dance, Mr. Courtly ? 

Young C. (R.) Dance, sir ! — I never dance — I can procure 
exercise in a much more rational manner — and music disturbs 
my meditations. 

Max. Well, do the gallant. 

(Exit \..,'with Spanker and Dazzle) 

Young C. I never studied that art — but I have a Prize Essay 
on a hydrostatic subject, which would delight her — for it 
enchanted the Reverend Doctor Pump, of Corpus Christi. 

Grace, [aside) What on earth could have induced him to dis- 
figure himself in that frightful way !— I rather suspect some plot 
to entrap me into a confession. 

Young C. {aside) Dare I confess this trick to her ? No ! Not 
until I have proved her affection indisputably. Let me see, I must 
concoct, {takes a chair, ajtd forgetting his assumed character, 
is about to take his natural free manner. GRACE looks sur- 
prised. He turns abashed) Madam, I have been desired to 
amuse you. 

Grace. Thank you. *^ 

Young C. " The labor we delight in, physics pain." I will 
draw you a moral, ahem ! Subject, the effects of inebriety ! — 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 49 

which, according to Ben Jonson — means perplexion of the in- 
tellects, caused by imbibing spirituous liquors. About an hour 
before my arrival, I passed an appalling evidence of the effects of 
this state — a carriage was overthrown — horses killed — gentleman 
in a hopeless state, with his neck broken — all occasioned by the 
intoxication of the post-boy. 
Grace. That is very amusing. 

Young C. I found it edifying — nutritious food for reflection — 
the expiring man desired his best compliments to you. 
Grace. To me ? {she rises) 
Young C. Yes. 

Grace. His name was 

Young C. Mr. Augustus Hamilton. 

Grace. Augustus ! Oh ! {affects to faint, sinking on the 
ottoman.) 

Young C. {aside) Huzza ! She loves me ! 
Grace. But where, sir, did this happen ? 
Young C. About four miles down the road. 
Grace. He must be conveyed here. 

Enter James, l. 
James. Mr. Meddle, madam. (Exit L.) 

Enter MEDDLE, L. 
Med. On very particular business. 
Grace. The very person. My dear sir ! 
Med. (L.) My dear madam ! 

Grace, (c) You must execute a very particular commission 
for me immediately. Mr. Hamilton has met with a frightful 
accident on the London road, and is in a dying state. 

Med. Well ! I have no hesitation in saying, he takes it un- 
commonly easy — he looks as if he was used to it. 

Grace. You mistake ; that is not Mr. Hamilton, but Mr. 
Courtly, who will explain everything, and conduct you to the 
spot. 

Young C. {aside) Oh ! I must put a stop to all this, or I shall 
be found out. {aloud) Madam, that were useless, for I omitted 
to mention a small fact which occurred before I left Mr. Hamilton 
— he died. 

Grace. Dear me ! Oh, then we needn't trouble you, Mr. Meddle. 
{music heard without, L.) Hark ! I hear they are commencmg 
a waltz — if you will ask me — perhaps a turn or two in the dance 
may tend to dispel the dreadful sensations you have aroused. 

Young C. {aside). If I can understand her, hang me ! Hears 
of my death— screams out— and then asks me to waltz ! lam 
bewildered ! Can she suspect me ? I wonder which she likes 
best— me or my double ? Confound this disguise— I must retain 
it — I have gone too far with my dad to pull up now. {aloud) At 



50 L OND ON ASSURANCE. 

your service, madam. {Jie crosses behind to i.. and offers his 
ha7id ) 

Grace, {aside) I will pay him well for this trick ! {aloud) Ah, 
poor Augustus Hamilton ! 

(Exeunt, L., all but Meddle) 

Med. Well, if that is not Mr. Hamilton, scratch me out with a 
big- blade, for I am a blot — a mistake upon the rolls. There is 
an error in the pleadings somewhere, and I will discover it. I 
would swear to his identity before the most discriminating jury. 
By the bye, this accident will form a capital excuse for my pre- 
sence here. I just stepped in to see how matters worked, and — 
stay — here comes the bridegroom elect — and, oh ! in his very 
arms. Lady Gay Spanker ! {looks round) Where are my wit- 
nesses ? Oh, that some one else were here ! However I can retire 
and get some information, eh — Spanker ■z/^ri'/zi' Courtly — damages 
— witness, {gets into an arm-chair, which he turns round, back 
to the audience.) 

Enter Sir Harcourt Courtly, supporting Lady Gay, l. 

Sir H. This cool room will recover you. 

Lady G. Excuse my trusting to you for support. 

Sir H. I am transported ! Allow me thus ever to support this 
lovely burden, and I shall conceive that paradise is regained. 
{they sit) 

Lady G. Oh ! Sir Harcourt, I feel very faint. 

Sir H. The waltz made you giddy. 

Lady G. And 1 have left my salts in the other room. 

Sir H. I always carry a flacon, for the express accommodation 
of the fair sex. (producing a smelling-bottle and sitting R. of 
her) 

Lady G. Thank you — ah ! {she sighs) 

Sir H. What a sigh was there ! 

Lady G. The vapor of consuming grief. 

Sir H. Is it possible ! Have you a grief ? Are you unhappy ? 
Dear me ! 

Lady G. Am I not married ? 

Sir H. What a horrible state of existence ! 

Lady G. I am never contradicted, so there are none of those 
enlivening, interesting little differences, which so pleasingly 
diversify the monotony of conjugal life, like spots of verdure — no 
quarrels, like oases in the desert of matrimony — no rows. 

Sir H. How vulgar ! what a brute ! 

Lady G. I never have anything but my own way ;'and he 
won't permit me to spend more than I like. 

Sir H. Mean-spirited wretch ! 

Lady G. How can I help being miserable ? 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 51 

Sir H. Miserable ! I wonder you are not in a lunatic asylum, 
with such unheard of barbarism ! 

Lady G. But worse than all that ! 

Sir H. Can it be out-Heroded ? 

Lady Gr. Yes, I could forgive that — I do — it is my duty. But 
only imagine — picture to yourself, my dear Sir Harcourt, though 
I, the third daughter of an Earl, married him out of pity for his 
destitute and helpless situation as a bachelor with ten thousand 
a year — conceive, if you can — he actually permits me, with the 
most placid indifference, to flirt with any old fool I may meet. 

Sir H. Good gracious ! miserable idiot ! 

Lady G. I fear there is an incompatability of temper, which 
renders a separation inevitable. 

Sir H. Indispensable, my dear madam ! Ah ! had I been the 
happy possessor of such a realm of bliss — what a beatific eternity 
unfolds itself to my extending imagination ! Had another man 
but looked at you, I should have annihilated him at once ; and 
if he had the temerity to speak, his life alone could have expiated 
his crime. 

Lady G. Oh, an existence of such a nature is too bright for the 
eye of thought — too sweet to bear reflection. 

Sir H. My devotion, eternal, deep 

Lady G. Oh, Sir Harcourt ! 

Sir H. {viore fervently) Your every thought should be a sepa- 
rate study — each wish forestalled by the quick apprehension of a 
kindred soul. 

Lady G. Alas ! how can I avoid my fate ? 

Sir H. If a life — a heart — were offered to your astonished view 
by one who is considered the index of fashion — the vane of the 
beau monde — if you saw him at your feet begging, beseeching 
your acceptance of all, and more than this, what would your 
answer 

Lady G. Ah ! I know of none so devoted ! 

Sir H. You do ! {throwing himself upon his knees) Behold 
Sir Harcourt Courtly ! {Meddle jumps up into the chair and 
writes in his memorandum book) 

Lady G. {aside) Ha ! ha ! Yoicks ! Puss has broken cover. 
(Meddle sits again) 

Sir H. Speak, adored, dearest Lady Gay ! — speak — will you 
fly from the tyranny, the wretched misery of such a monster's 
roof, and accept the soul which lives but in your presence ! 

Lady G. Do not press me. Oh, spare a weak, yielding wo- 
man — be contented to know that you are, alas ! too dear to me. 
But the world — the world would say 

Sir H. Let us be a precedent to open a more extended and 
liberal view of matrimonial advantages to society. 



52 L OND ON ASSURANCE. 

Lady G. How irresistible is your argument ! Oh ! pause ! 
{they put their chairs back) 

Sir H. I have ascertained for a fact, that every tradesman of 
mine Uves with his wife, and thus you see it has become a vulgar 
and plebian custom. 

Lady G. Leave me ; I feel I cannot withstand your powers 
of persuasion. Swear that you will never forsake me. 

Sir H. Dictate the oath. May I grow wrinkled — may two 
inches be added to the circumference of my waist — may 1 lose 
the fall in my back — may I be old and ugly the instant 1 forego 
one tithe of adoration ! 

Lady G. I must believe you. 

Sir H. Shall we leave this detestable spot — this horrible vicin- 
ity 1 

Lady G. The sooner the better ; to-morrow evening let it be. 
Now let me return ; my absence will be remarked, {he kisses 
her hand) Do I appear confused ? Has my agitation rendered 
me unfit to enter the room ? 

Sir H. More angelic by a lovely tinge of heightened color. 

Lady G. To-morrow, in this room, which opens on the lawn. 

Sir H. At eleven o'clock. 

Lady G. The rest of the family will be at supper ; I'll plead 
indisposition. Have your carriage in waiting, and four horses. 
Remember, please be particular to have four ; don't let the affair 
come off shabbily. Adieu, dear Sir Harcourt ! (Exit, R.) 

Sir H. {marches potnpously across the stage) Veni, vidi, 
vici ! Hannibal, Csesar, Napoleon, Alexander never completed 
so fair a conquest in so short a time. She dropped fascinated. 
This is an unprecedented example of the irresistible force of per- 
sonal appearance combined with polished address. Poor crea- 
ture ! how she loves me ! I pity so prostrating a passion, and 
ought to return it, I will ; it is a duty I owe to society and 
fashion. (Exit, L.) 

Med. {turns the chair round) " There is a tide in the affairs 
of men, which, taken at the flood, leads on to fortune." This is 
my tide — I am the only witness, " Virtue is sure to find its own 
reward," But I've no time to contemplate what it shall be — 
something huge. Let me see — Spanker versus Courtly — Crim. 
Con, Damages placed at ;i{^ 150,000 at least, for juries always 
decimate your hopes. 

Enter Spanker, l. 

Span. I cannot find Gay anywhere. 

Med. The plaintiff himself — I must commence the action. 
Mr. Spanker, as I have information of deep and vital importance 
to impart, will you take a seat ? {they sit solemnly. Meddle 
takes out a note-book and pencil) Ahem ! You have a wife 1 



L OND ON ASSURANCE. 53 

Re-enter Lady Gay, r. She crosses behind to L. door, and 

listens. 

Span. (l. C.) Yes, I believe I— 

Med. (R. C.) Will you be kind enough, without any prevari- 
cation, to answer my questions ? — You have a wife ? 

Span. You alarm — I 

Med. Compose yourself and reserve your feelings ; take time 
to consider. You have a wife } 

Span. Yes 

Med. He has a wife — good — a bona fide wife — bound morally 
and legally to be your wife, and nobody else's in effect, except 
on your written permission 

Span. But what has this 

Med. Hush ! allow me, my dear sir, to congratulate you. 
(shakes his hand) 

Span. What for .? 

Med. Lady Gay Spanker is about to dishonor the bond of 
wedlock by eloping from you. 

Span, {starting What ? 

Med. (pushijig him down again) I thought you would be 
overjoyed. Place the affair in my hands, and I will venture to 
promise the largest damages on record. 

Span, {starts up) Damn the damages ! — I want my wife. Oh, 
I'll go and ask her not to run away. She may run away with 
me — she may hunt — she may ride — anything she likes. Oh, sir, 
let us put a stop to this affair. 

Med. [who has put the chairs back) Put a stop to it ! do not 
alarm me, sir. Sir, you will spoil the most exquisite brief that 
was ever penned. It must proceed — it shall proceed. It is 
illegal to prevent it, and I will bring an action against you for 
wilful intent to injure the profession. 

Span. Oh, what an ass I am ! Oh, I have driven her to this. 
It was all that cursed brandy punch on the top of Burgundy. 
What a fool I was ! 

Med. It was the happiest moment of your life. 

Span. So I thought at the time ; but we live to grow wiser. 
Tell me, who is the vile seducer ? 

Med. Sir Harcourt Courtly. 

Span. Ha ! he is my best friend. 

Med. I should think he is. If you will accompany me — here 
is a verbatim copy of the whole transaction in short-hand — 
sworn to by me. 

Span. Only let me have Gay back again. 

Med. Even that may be arranged — this way. 

Span. That ever I should live to see my wife run away. Oh, 



S4 LONDON ASSURANCE, 

I will do anything — keep two packs of hounds — huy up every 
horse and ass in England — myself included — oh ! 

(Exeunt Spanker and Meddle, R.) 
Lady G. Ha ! ha ! ha ! Poor Dolly ! I'm sorry I must con- 
tinue to deceive him. If he would but kindle up a little. So, 
that fellow overheard all — well, so much the better. 

Enter YoUNG COURTLY, L. 

Young C. My dear madam, how fares the plot ? does my gov- 
ernor nibble. 

Lady G. Nibble ! he is caught and in the basket, I have just 
left him with a hook in his gills, panting for very lack of ele- 
ment. But how goes on your encounter .? 

Young C. Bravely. By a simple ruse, I have discovered that 
she loves me. I see but one chance against the best termination 
I could hope. 

Lady G. What is it ? 

Young C. My father has told me that I return to town again 
to-morrow afternoon. 

Lady G. Well, I insist you stop and dine — keep out of the 
way. 

Young C, Oh, but what excuse shall I offer for disobedience ? 
What can I say when he sees me before dinner ? 

Lady G. Say — say Grace. 

Enter Grace, l., and gets behind the window curtains, R, c. 

Young C. Ha ! ha ! 

Lady G. I have arranged to elope with Sir Harcourt myself 
to-morrow night. 

Young C. The deuce you have ! 

Lady G. Now if you could persuade Grace to follow that ex- 
ample — his carriage will be in waiting at the Park— be there a 
little before eleven, and it will just prevent our escape. Can you 
make her agree to that } 

Young C. Oh, without the slightest difficulty, if Mr. Augustus 
Hamilton supplicates. 

Lady G. Success attend you. {going, R.) 

Young C. I will bend the haughty Grace, {going, L.) 

Lady G. Do. (Exeunt severally) 

Grace. (R. C, at back) Will you ? 

QUICK CURTAIN. 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 55 

ACT V. 

Scene. — T7ie same. 

Enter CooL, L. 

Cool. This is the most serious affair Sir Harcourt has ever 
been engaged in. 1 took the liberty of considering him a fool 
when he told me he was going to marry ; but voluntarily to 
incur another man's incumbrance is very little short of madness. 
If he continues to conduct himself in this absurd manner, I shall 
be compelled to dismiss him. 

Enter Sir Harcourt, r., equipped for travelling. 

Sir. H. Cool ! 

Cool. Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. Is my chariot in waiting ? 

Cool. For the last half hour at the park wicket. But, pardon 
the insinuation, sir ; would it not be more advisable to hesitate 
a little for a short reflection before you undertake the heavy res- 
ponsibility of a woman ? 

Sir H. No; hesitation destroys the romance oi 3. faux pas, 
and reduces it to the level of a mere mercantile calculation. 

Cool. What is to be dune with Mr. Charles .? 

Sir H. Ay, much against my will, Lady Gay prevailed on me 
to permit him to remain. You, Cool, must return him to col- 
lege. Pass through London, and deliver these papers ; here is a 
small notice of the coming elopement for the morning Post ; 
this, by an eye-witness, for the Herald ; this, with all the parti- 
culars, for the Chronicle ; and the full and circumstantial ac- 
count for the evening journals — after which, meet us at Bou- 
logne. 

Cool. Very good, Sir Harcourt. {going!..) 

Sir H. Lose no time. Remember — Hotel Anglais, Boulogne- 
sur-Mer. And, Cool, bring a few copies with you, and don't 
forget to distribute some amongst my very particular friends. 

Cool. It shall be done. (Exit, L.) 

Sir H. [With what indifference does a man of the world view 
the approach of the most perilous catastrophe ! My position, 
hazardous as it is, entails none of that nervous excitement which 
a neophyte in the school of fashion would feel. I am as cool and 
steady as possible. Habit, habit ! Oh ! how many roses will 
fade upon the cheek of beauty when the defalcation of Sir Har- 
court Courtly is whispered — then hinted — at last, confirmed and 



S6 LONDON ASSURANCE, 

bruited. I think I see them. Then, on my return, they will not 
dare eject me — I am their sovereign ! Whoever attempts to 
think of treason, I'll banish him from the West End — I'll cut 
him — I'll put him out of fashion !]* 

Enter LADY Gay, r. 

Lady G. Sir Harcourt ! 

Sir H. At your feet. 

Lady G. I had hoped you would have repented. 

Sir H. Repented ! 

Lady G. Have you not come to say it was a jest ? — say you 
have ! 

Sir H. Love is too sacred a subject to be trifled with. Come, 
let us fly ! See, I have procured disguises 

Lady G. My courage begins to fail me. Let me return. 

Sir H. Impossible ! 

Lady G. Where do you intend to take me ? 

Sir H. You shall be my guide. The carriage waits. 

Lady G. You will never desert me ? 

Sir H. Desert ! Oh, Heavens ! Nay, do not hesitate — flight, 
now, alone is left to your desperate situation ! Come, every 
moment is laden with danger, {they are goings.) 

Lady G. Oh ! gracious ! 

Sir H. Hush ! what is it ? 

Lady G. I have forgotten — I must return. 

Sir H. Impossible ! 

Lady G. I must ! I must ! I have left Max— apetstaghound, 
in his basket — without whom life would be unendurable — I could 
not exist ! 

Sir H. No, no. Let him be sent after us in a hamper. 

Lady G. In a hamper ! Remorseless man ! Go — you love me 
not. How would you like to be sent after me — in a hamper ? 
Let me fetch him. Hark ! I hear him squeal ! Oh ? Max — 
Max ! 

Sir H. Hush ! for Heaven's sake. They'll imagine you're 
calling the Squire. I hear footsteps ; where can I retire ? {goes 
up, R.) 

Enter Meddle, Spanker, Dazzle, and Max, l. Lady Gay 
screa7ns. 

Med. Spanker versus Courtly ! — I subpoena every one of you 
as witnesses ! — I have 'em ready — here they are — shilling a-piece. 
{giving them round) 

Lady G. Where is Sir Harcourt ? 

Med. There !— bear witness ! — call on the vile delinquent for 
protection ! 

Span. Oh ! his protection ! 

* This passage within brackets is usually omitted in the representation. 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 57 

Lady G. What ? ha ! 

Med. I'll swear I overheard the whole elopement planned— 
before any jury ! — where s the book ? 

Span. \to Lady Gay) Do you hear, you proflig-ate ? 

Lady G. Ha ! ha ! ha ! ha ! 

Daz. But where is this wretched Lothario ? 

Med. Ay, where is the defendant 1 

Span. Where lies the hoary villain 1 

Lady G. What villain .? 

Span. That will not serve you !— I'll not be blinded that way ! 

Med. We won't be blinded any way ! 

Max. I must seek Sir Harcourt, and demand an explanation ! 
Such a thing never occurred in Oak Hall before— it must be 
cleared up ! (Exit R.) 

Med. {aside to Spanker) Now, take my advice ; remember 
your gender. Mind the notes I have given you. 

Span. (L. c, aside) All right ! Here they are ! Now, ma- 
dam, I have procured the highest legal opinion on this point. 

Med. (L.) Hear ! hear ! 

Span. And the question resolves itself into a — into — what's 
this ? (looks at notes) 

Med. A nutshell ! 

Span. Yes, we are in a nutshell. Will you, in every respect, 
subscribe to my requests — desires — commands — {looks at 
notes) — orders — imperative — indicative — ■ injunctive — or other- 
wise .f* 

Lady G. {aside) 'Pon my life, he's actually going to assume 
the ribbons, and take the box-seat. I must put a stop to this. I 
will ! {to Span.) Mr. Spanker, I have been insulted by Sir Har- 
court Courtly. He tried to elope with me ; I place myself under 
your protection — challenge him ! 

Daz. (R.) Oh ! I smell powder ! 

Lady G. I know it will all end in smoke, Sir Harcourt would 
rather run than fight. 

Daz. Command my services. My dear madam, can I be of 
any use ? 

Span. Oh ! a challenge ! I must consult my legal adviser. 

Med. No ! impossible ! {crosses, R. C.) 

Daz. Pooh ! the easiest thing in life ! Leave it to me. What 
has an attorney to do with affairs of honor ? — they are out of his 
element. 

Med. Compromise the question ! Pull his nose ! — we have 
no objection to that. 

Daz. {turning to Lady Gay) Well, we have no objection either 
■ — have we ? 

Lady G. No ! — pull his nose that will be something. 



58 L OND ON ASSURANCE. 

Med. And, moreover, it is not exactly actionable ! 

Daz. Isn't it ! — thank you — I'll note down that piece of informa- 
tion — it may be useful. 

Med. How ! cheated out of my legal knowledge t {crosses to 
Dazzle who signifies he will pull his nose j Meddle hastily 
gets back to L.) 

Lady G. {crosses to L. c.) Mr. Spanker, I am determined ! — I 
insist upon a challenge being sent to Sir Harcourt Courtly ! — and 
— mark me — if you refuse to fight him — I will. 

Med, Don't ; take my advice you'll incapacit 

Lady G. Look you, Mr. Meddle, unless you wish me to horse- 
whip you, hold your tongue. 

Med. What a she-tiger — I shall retire and collect my costs. 

(Exit L.) 

Lady G. Mr. Spanker, oblige me by writing as I dictate. 

Span. Don't go ! He's gone — and now I am defenceless ! Is 
this the fate of husbands ! — a duel ! Is this the result of becom- 
ing master of my own family 1 

Lady G. Come, Dolly ! 

Span. I won't be Dollied ! {sits L. c. Dazzle wheels him round 
to l. table, and sits on the arm of the chair) 

Lady G. " Sir, the situation in which you were discovered with 
my wife, admits of neither explanation nor apology." 

Span. Oh, yes ! but it does — I don't believe you really intended 
to run quite away. 

Lady G. You do not ; but I know better, I say I did, and if it 
had not been for your unfortunate interruption, I do not know 
where I might have been by this time. Go on. 

Span. "Nor apology." I'm writing my own death-warrant — 
committing suicide on compulsion. 

Lady G. " The bearer " 

Span. That will be you. 

Daz. I am the bearer. 

Lady G. " Will arrange all preliminary matters, for another 
day must see this sacrilege expiated by your life or that of" — 
the bearer ? 

Daz. No. 

Lady G. " Yours very sincerely {looking at Dazzle) — very 
sincerely? — (Lady Gay <^«^ Dazzle repeat "very sincerely," 
which Spanker repeats in astonishment) 

Daz. " Dolly Spanker." 

Lady G. Dolly ? No ! No ! 

Span. Oh! " Adolphus Spanker," 

Lady G. Now, Mr. Dazzle, {gives the letter over his head) 

Daz. The document is as sacred as if it were a hundred pound 
bill. 

Lady G. We trust to your discretion. 



L ONDON ASSURANCE. 59 

Span. His discretion ! Oh, put your head in a tiger's mouth, 
and trust to his discretion ! 

Daz. {sealing letter, etc., with Spanker's seal) My dear Lady 
Gay, matters of this kind are indigenous to my nature, indepen- 
dently of their pervading fascination to all humanity ; but this is 
the more especially delightful, as you may perceive I shall be the 
intimate and bosom friend of both parties. 

Lady G. Is it not the only alternative in such a case ? 

Daz. It is a beautiful panacea in any, in every case, {going — 
returns) By the way, where would you like this party of pleasure 
to come off? Open air shooting is pleasant enough, but if I 
might venture to advise, we could order half-a-dozen of that 
Madeira and a box of cigars into the billiard room, so make a 
night of it. Eh, Mr. Spanker ? 

Span. I don't smoke. 

Daz. Take up the irons every now and then ; string for first 
shot, and blaze away at one another in an amicable and gentle- 
manlike way ; so conclude the matter before the potency of the 
liquor could disturb the individuality of the object, or the smoke 
of the cigars render the outline dubious. Does such an arrange- 
ment concide with your views ? 

Lady G. Perfectly. 

Daz. I trust shortly to be the harbinger of happy tidings. 

(Exit L.) 

Span, {crosses) Lady Gay Spanker, are you ambitious of 
becoming a widow ? 

Lady G. Why, Dolly, woman is at best but weak, and weeds 
become me, 

Span. Female ! am I to be immolated on the altar of your 
vanity .'* 

Lady G. If you become pathetic, I shall laugh. 

Span. You are laughing ! Farewell — base, heartless, unfeel- 
ing woman ! (Exit, L.) 

Lady G. Ha ! well, so I am. I am heartless, for he is a dear, 
good little fellow, and I ought not to play upon his feelings ; but 
'pon my life he sounds so well up at concert pitch, that I feel dis- 
inclined to untune him. Poor Doll, I didn't think he cared so 
much about me. I will put him out of pain. 

(Exit L. Sir Harcourt co?nes dowjtfrom window) 

Sir H. I have been a fool ! a dupe to my own vanity. I shall 
be pointed at as a ridiculous old coxcomb — and so I am. The 
hour of conviction is arrived. Have I deceived myself ? Have 
I turned all my senses inwards — looking towards self — always self? 
• — and has the world been ever laughing at me ? Well, if they 
have, I will revert the joke ; they may say I am an old ass ; but 
I will prove that I am neither too old to repent my folly, nor such 



6o L OND ON A SS URANCE. 

an ass as to flinch from confessing it. A blow half met is but 
half felt. 

Enter Dazzle, l. 

Daz. Sir Harcourt, may I be permitted the honor of a few 
minutes' conversation with you ? 

Sir H. With pleasure, 

Daz. Have the kindness to throw your eye over that, {gives 
letter) 

Sir H. {reads) " Situation — my wife — apology — expiate — my 
life." Why, this is intended for a challenge. 

Daz. Why, indeed, I am perfectly aware that it is not quite en 
regie in the couching, for with that I had nothing to do ; but I 
trust that the irregularity of the composition will be confounded 
in the beauty of the subject. 

Sir H. Mr. Dazzle, are you in earnest ? 

Daz. Sir Harcourt Courtly, upon my honor I am, and I hope 
that no previous engagement will interfere with an immediate 
reply in propria persona. We have fixed upon the billiard room 
as the scene of action, which I have just seen properly illuminated 
in honor of the occasion ; and, by the bye, if your implements 
are not handy, I can oblige you with a pair of the sweetest things 
you ever handled — hair-triggered — saw grip ; heir-looms in my 
family. I regard them almost in the light of relations. 

Sir H. Sir, I shall avail myself of one of your x^\dX\\^s\aside) 
One of the hereditaments of my folly — I must accept it. {aloud) 
Sir, I shall be happy to meet Mr. Spanker at any time or place he 
may appoint. 

Daz. The sooner the better, sir. Allow me to offer you my 
arm. I see you understand these matters ; — my friend Spanker 
is wofully ignorant — miserably uneducated. (Exeunt L.) 

Re-enter Max with Grace, r. 

Max. (L.) Give ye joy, girl, give ye joy. Sir Harcourt Courtly 
must consent to waive all title to your hand in favor of his son 
Charles. 

Grace. (R.) Oh, indeed ! Is that the pitch of your congratula- 
tion — humph ! the exchange of an old fool for a young one ? 
Pardon me if I am not able to distinguish the advantage. 

Max. Advantage ! 

Grace. Moreover, by what right am I a transferable cipher in 
the family of Courtly ? So, then, my fate is reduced to this, to 
sacrifice my fortune, or unite myself with a worm-eaten edition 
of the Classics ! 

Max. Why, he certainly is not such a fellow as I could have 
chosen for my little Grace ; but consider, to retain fifteen thou- 
sand a year ! Now, tell me honestly — but why should I say 
honestly ? Speak, girl, would you rather not have the lad ? 



\ 



L OND ON ASSURANCE. 6l 

Grace. Why do you ask me ? 

Max. Why, look ye, I'm an old fellow ; another hunting sea- 
son or two, and I shall ^ .in at my own death — I can't leave you 
this house and land, because they are entailed, nor can I say I 
am sorry for it, for it is a good law ; but I have a little box with 
my Grace's name upon it, where, since your father's death and 
miserly will, I have yearly placed a certain sum to be yours, 
should you refuse to fulfil the conditions prescribed. 

Grace. My own dear uncle ! {clasping him round the neck) 

Max. Pooh ! pooh ! what's to do now ? Why, it was only a 
trifle — why, you little rogue, what are you crying about ? 

Grace. Nothing, but 

Max. But what ? Come, out with it. Will you have young 
Courtly ? 

Re-enter Lady Gay, l. 

Lady G. Oh ! Max, Max ! 

Max. Why, what's amiss with you ? 

Lady G. I'm a wicked woman ! 

Max. What have you done ? 

Lady G. Everything ! oh, I thought Sir Harcourt was a cow- 
ard, but now I find that a man may be a coxcomb without being 
a poltroon. Just to show my husband how inconvenient it is to 
hold the ribbons sometimes, I made him send a challenge to the 
old fellow, and he, to my surprise, accepted it, and is going to 
blow my Dolly's brains out in the billiard-room. 

Max. The devil ! 

Lady G. Just when I imagined I had got my whip hand of him 
again, out comes my linch-pin — and over I go — oh ! 

Max. I will soon put a stop to that — a duel under my roof ! 
Murder in Oak Hall ! I'll shoot them both ! (Exit, L.) 

Grace. Are you really in earnest ? 

Lady G. Do you think it looks like a joke ? Oh ! Dolly, if you 
allow yourself to be shot, I will never forgive you — never ! Ah, 
he is a great fool, Grace ! but I can't tell why, I would sooner lose 
my bridle hand than he should be hurt on my account, {two 
shots are fired without, L.) 

Enter SiR Harcourt, l. 

Tell me — tell me — have you shot him — is he dead — my dear Sir 
Harcourt? You horrid old brute — have you killed him? I 
shall never forgive myself (Exit, L.) 

Grace. (R.) Oh ! Sir Harcourt, what has happened ? 

Sir H. (L.) Don't be alarmed, I beg — your uncle interrupted 
us — discharged the weapons — locked the challenger up in the 
billiard-room to cool his rage. 

Grace. Thank Heaven ! 



62 LONDON ASSURANCE. 

Sir H. Miss Grace, to apologize for my conduct were useless, 
more especially as I am confident that no feelings of indignation 
or sorrow for my late acts are cherished by you ; but still, repa- 
ration is in my power, and I not only waive all title, right, or 
claim to your person or your fortune, but freely admit your 
power to bestow them on a more worthy object, 

Grace. This generosity, Sir Harcourt, is most unexpected. 

Sir H. No, not generosity, but simply justice, justice ! 

Grace. May I still beg a favor ? 

Sir H. Claim anything that is mine to grant. 

Grace. You have been duped by Lady Gay Spanker, I have 
also been cheated and played upon by her and Mr. Hamilton — 
may I beg that the contract between us, may, to all appearance 
be still held good .? 

Sir H. Certainly, although I confess I cannot see the point of 
your purpose. 

Enter Max, with Young Courtly, l. 

Max. Now, Grace, I have brought the lad. 

Grace. Thank you, uncle, but the trouble was quite unneces- 
sary — Sir Harcourt holds to his original contract. 

Max. The deuce he does ! 

Grace. And I am willing— nay, eager, to become Lady Courtly. 

Young C. {aside) The deuce you are ! 

Max. But, Sir Harcourt 

Sir H. One word, Max, for an instant, {they retire, off^) 

Young C. {aside) What can this mean .? Can it be possible 
that I have been mistaken — that she is not in love with Augustus 
Hamilton ? 

Grace, {aside) Now we shall find how he intends to bend the 
haughty Grace. 

Young C. Madam — Miss, I mean — are you really in earnest — 
are you in love with my father ? 

Grace, No, indeed I am not. 

Young C. Are you in love with any one else ? 

Grace. No, or I should not marry him. 

Young C. Then you actually accept him as your husband ? 

Grace. In the common acceptation of the word. 

Young C. {aside) Hang me if I have not been a pretty fool ! 
{aloud) Why do you marry him, if you don't care about him ? 

Grace. To save my fortune. 

Young C. [aside] Mercenary, cold-hearted girl ! {a/oud)Were 
you never in love ? 

Grace. Never ! 

Young C. (aside) Oh ! what an ass I've been ! {aloud) I heard 
Lady Gay mention something about a Mr. Hamilton. 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 63 

Grace. Ah, yes, a person who, after an acquaintanceship of 
two days, had the assurance to make love to me, and I 

Young C. Yes — you — well ? 

Grace. I pretended to receive his attentions. 

Young C. {aside) It was the best pretence I ever saw. 

Grace. An absurd, vain, conceited coxcomb, who appeared 
to imagine that I was so struck with his fulsome speech that he 
could turn me around his finger. 

Young C. [aside) My very thoughts ! 

Grace. But he was mistaken. 

Young C. {aside) Confoundedly ! {aloud) Yet you seemed 
rather concerned about the news of his death. 

Grace. His accident } No, but 

Young C, But what "^ 

Grace, {aside) What can I say ? {aloud) Ah ! but my maid 
Pert's brother is a post-boy, and I thought he might have sus- 
tained an injury, poor boy. 

Young C. {aside) Curse the post-boy ! {aloud) Madam, if 
the retention of your fortune be the plea on which you are about 
to bestow your hand on one you do not love, and whose very 
actions speak his carelessness for that inestimable jewel he is 
incapable of appreciating — know that I am devotedly, madly 
attached to you. 

Grace. You, sir ? Impossible ! 

Young C. Not at all — but inevitable — I have been so for a 
long time. 

Grace. Why, you never saw me until last night. 

Young C. I have seen you in imagination — you are the ideal 
I have worshipped. 

Grace. Since you press me into a confession — which nothing 
but this could bring me to speak — know, I did love poor Au- 
gustus Hamilton — 

Re-enter Max and Sir Harcourt, r. 

but he — he is — no — more ! Pray, spare me, sir. 

Young C. {aside) She loves me ! And, oh ! here's my gov- 
ernor again ! What a situation I am in. What is to be done ? 

Enter Lady Gay, l. 

Lady G. Where have you put my Dolly ? I have been racing 
all round the house — tell me, is he quite dead ? 

Max. I'll have him brought in. (Exit, L.) 

Sir H. (r.) My dear madam, you must perceive this unfor- 
tunate occurrence was no fault of mine. I was compelled to act 
as I have done — I was willing to offer any apology, but that re- 
source was excluded as unacceptable. 

Lady G. I know — I know — 'twas I made him write that letter 



64 LONDON ASSURANCE, 

— there was no apology required — 'twas I that apparently se- 
duced you from the paths of propriety — 'twas all a joke, and here 
is the end of it. 

Enter Max, Spanker tuid Dazzle, l. 

Oh ! if he had but lived to say, " I forgive you Gay ! " 

Span. So I do ! 

Lady G. {seeing SPANKER) Ah ! he is alive ! 

Span. Of course I am ! 

Lady G. Ha ! ha ! ha ! {emhraces him) I will never hunt 
again — unless you wish it. Sell your stable 

Span. No, no, — <lo what you like — 'Say what you like for the 
future ! I find the head of a family has less ease and more re- 
sponsibility than I, as a member, could have anticipated. I 
abdicate ! {they go up, his arm round her waist, hers on his 
shoulder) 

Enter Cool, l. 

Sir H. Ah ! Cool, here ! {aside to CoOL) You may destroy 
those papers — I have altered my mind, and I do not intend to 
elope at present. Where are they ? 

Cool. As you seemed particular. Sir Harcourt, I sent them off. 
by the mail to London. 

Sir H. Why, then, a full description of the whole affair will 
be published to-morrow. 

Cool. Most irretrievably 1 

Sir H. You must post to town immediately, and stop the press. 

Cool. Beg pardon — but they would see me hanged first. Sir 
Harcourt ; they don't frequently meet with such a profitable lie. 

James, {without) No, sir ! no, sir ! 

Enter James, l. 

James. Sir, there's a gentleman, who calls himself Mr. Solomon 
Isaacs, insists upon following me up. (Exit, L.) 

Enter Mr. Solomon Isaacs, l. 

Isaacs. Mr. Courtly, you will excuse my performance of a 
most disagreeable duty at any time, but more especially in such 
a manner. I must beg the honor of your company to town. 

Sir H. What ! how ! what for ? 

Isaacs. (L. c.) For debt, Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. (C.) Arrested ? impossible ! Here must be some mis- 
take. 

Isaacs. Not the slightest, sir. Judgment has been given in 
five cases, for the last three months ; but Mr. Courtly is an eel 
rather too nimble for my men. We have been on his track, and 
traced him down to this village, with Mr. Dazzle. 



LONDON ASSURANCE, 65 

Daz. (r.) Ah ! Isaacs ! how are you ? 

Isaacs. Thank you, sir. {speaks to SiR Harcourt) 

Max. (L.) Do you know him ? 

Daz. Oh, intimateiy ! Distantly related to his family — same 
arms on our escutcheon — empty purse falling- thro' a hole in 
a pocket ; motto, " Requiescat in pace" — which means, " Let 
virtue be its own reward." 

Sir H. {to Isaacs) Oh, I thought there was a mistake ! Know 
to your misfortune, that Mr. Hamilton was the person you 
dogged to Oak Hall, between whom and my son a most remark- 
able likeness exists. 

Isaacs. Ha ! ha ! Know, to your misfortune, Sir Harcourt, 
that Mr. Hamilton and Mr. Courtly are one and the same per- 
son ! 

Sir H. Charles ! 

Young C. {up c.) Concealment is in vain — I am Augustus 
Hamilton. 

Sir H. Hang- me if I didn't think it all along ! Oh you infer- 
nal cozening- dog- ! {crosses to ki?n) 

Isaacs. Now, then, Mr. Courtly 

Grace. (C) Stay, sir — Mr. Charles Courtly is under age — ask 
his father. 

Sir H. Ahem ! — I won't — I won't pay a shilling of the rascal's 
debts — not a sixpence ! 

Grace. Then I will — you may retire. (Exit Isaacs, l.) 

Young C. I can now perceive the generous point of your con- 
duct towards me ; and, believe me, I appreciate, and will en- 
deavor to deserve it. 

Max. {crosses) Ha ! ha ! Come, Sir Harcourt, you have been 
fairly beaten — you must forgive him — say you will. 

Sir H. So, sir, it appears you have been leading, covertly, an 
infernal town life .? 

Young C. (c.) Yes, please, father, (zw//^//;?^ Master Char- 
les) 

Sir H. None of your humbug, sir ! {aside) He is my own son 
— how could I expect him to keep out of the fire ? {aloud) And 
you, Mr. Cool I — have you been deceiving me } 

Cool. (R.) Oh ! Sir Harcourt, \{ your perception was plaj^ed 
upon, how could /be expected to see ? {pause — he goes up and 
off, L.) 

Sir H. Well, it would be useless to withhold my hand. There, 
boy ! {he gives his hand to YouNG COURTLY, L. Grace comes 
down on the R. side and offers her hand ; he takes it) What is 
all this ? What do you want ? 

Young C. Your blessing, father. 

Grace. If you please, fattier. 



66 L OND ON ASS U RANGE, 

Sir H. Oho ! the mystery is being solved. So, so, you young 
scoundrel, you have been making love — under the rose. 

Lady G. (L. c.) He learnt that from you, Sir Harcourt. 

Sir H. Ahem ! What would you do now, if I were to with- 
hold my consent ? 

Grace. Do without it. 

Max. The will says, if Grace marries any one but you, her 
property reverts to your heir-apparent — and there he stands. 

Lady G. Make a virtue of necessity. 

Span. (R.) I married from inclination, and see how happy I 
am. And if ever I have a son 

Lady G. Hush ! Dolly, dear ! 

Sir H. Well ! take her, boy ! Although you are too young to 
marry, {they retire with Max.) 

Lady G. Am I forgiven. Sir Harcourt ? 

Sir H. Ahem ! Why— a— (^.y/^^) Have you really deceived 
me ? 

Lady G. Can you not see through this ? 

Sir H. And you still love me ? 

Lady G. As much as I ever did. 

Sir H. {is about to kiss her hand, when Spanker interposes 
betiveen them) A very handsome ring indeed. 

Span. Very, {puts her arm in his arid they go up to Dazzle) 

Sir H. Poor little Spanker ! 

Max. {comijig down -L., aside to SlYi. HARCOURT) One point I 
wish to have settled. Who is Mr. Dazzle ? 

Sir H. (c.) A relative of the Spankers, he told me. 

Max. Oh no, a near connection of yours. 

Sir H. Never saw him before I came down here, in all my 
life, {to Young Courtly) Charles, who is Mr. Dazzle ? 

Young C. Who ? I don't know. Dazzle, Dazzle (DAZZLE 
comes R.) will you excuse an impertinent question ? 

Daz. (R.) Certainly. 

Young C. Who the deuce are you ? 

Daz. I have not the remotest idea. 

All. How, sir ? 

Daz. Simple question as you may think it, it would puzzle half 
the world to answer. One thing I can vouch — Nature made me 
a gentleman — that is, I live on the best that can be procured for 
credit. I never spend my own money when I can oblige a 
friend. I'm always thick on the winning horse. I'm an epidemic 
on the trade of tailor. For further particulars inquire of any sit- 
ting magistrate. 

Sir H. And these are the deeds which attest your title to the 
name of gentleman ? I perceive you have caught the infection of 
the present age. Charles, permit me, as your father, and you, 
sir, as his friend, to correct you on one point. Barefaced assu- 



LONDON ASSURANCE. 67 

ranee is the vulgar substitute for gentlemanly ease ; and there 
are many, who, by aping the vices of the great, imagine that 
they elevate themselves to the rank of those, whose faults alone 
they copy. No, sir ! The title of gentleman is the only one out 
of any monarch's gift, yet within the reach of every peasant. It 
should be engrossed by Trw//;— stamped with Honor— sealed 
with Good-feelingsigned Man— said enrolled in every true 
young English heart. 

Sir H. 

Daz. Young C. 

Lady G. Grace. 

Span. Max. 

R. C. ^' 

CURTAIN. 




LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



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BY FORCE OF 014 ass 500 9 

A Drania in Kivk Acts, by H. V. Voqt. 



Price, 15 Cents. 



Nine male, three female characters, vis.: Leading and Second Juvenile Men, 
Mid Man, Genteel Villain, Walking Gentleman, First and Second Light Comedians, 
Heavy Character, Low Comedian, Leading and Second Juvenile Ladies and Comic 
Old Maid. Time of playing. Two hours and a half. 

SYNOPSIS OF EVENTS. 



Act I. Love vs. Impulse. — Doller- 
dutch's office. — A fruitless journey, a 
heap of accumulated business and a 
chapter of unparalleled impudence. — 
News from the front.— A poor girl's 
trouble and a lawyer's big heart.— Hil- 
da's sad story.—" I '11 see this thine 
through If it costs me a fortune I "—A 
sudden departure in search of a clue — 
The meeting of friends. — One of nature's 
noblemen.— Maitland betrays his secret 
by a slip of the tongue. — ^The ball at 
Beachwood. — Two spooneys, fresh from 
€ollege,lose their heads and their hearts. 
^"Squashed, by Jupiter ! '' — Trusting 
innocence and polished villainy. — ^The 
interrupted tryst. — An honest man's 
avowal. — A picture of charming simpli- 
city. — Murdell and Hilda meet face to 
■lace. — "I dare you to make another 
victim 1" — A scoundrel's discomfiture. — 
Tableau. 

Act IL The Separation. — ^The Mait- 
land homestead. — Anastasia's doubts. — 
A warm welcome and its icy reception. 
.—Forebodings and doubts. — Father and 
eon . — Searching questions.— A domestic 
siorm and a parent's command. — A 
foiled villain's wrath. — Enlisting for the 
war. — The collapse of the cowards. — 
*' It 's no u-se, 'Dolphy, the jig 's up !" — 
Hilda's sympathy and Adrienne's silent 
despair. — The result of impulse. — ^The 
father pleads for his son. — Anastasia 
and Dollerclutch. — Coriolanus comes to 
grief. — Good and bad news. — Husband 
and wife. — Reginald demands an ex- 

?lanation. — A hand without a heart. — 
he separation. — A new recruit. — ^Too 
late; the roll is signed. — Tableau. 

Act III. Duty vs. Impulse. — Four 
vears later. — A camp in the army. — 
Longings. — " Only six miles from 
home !' — The skeleton in the closet. — 
A father's yearning for his child. — A 
woman-hater in love. — Dollerclutch's 
dream. — A picture of camp life and fun. 
— Coriolanus has his revenge. — News 
from home. — Dollerclutch makes a big 
find. "Eureka!" — Proofs of Hilda's 
parentage and marriage. — A happy old 



lawyer. — "I '11 take them to Hilda I"— 
Detailed for duty. — A soldier's tempta- 
tion. — ^The sentinel deserts his pest. — 
The snake in the grass. — "At last, I can 
humble his pride ! " 

Act IV. The Reconciliation and 
Sequel. — At Reginald's home. — News 
from the army. — " Grant is not the man 
to acknowledge defeat !" — Adrienne and 
Hilda. — False pride is broken.— The re- 
conciliation. — "Will Reginald forgive 
me ?"— Dollerclutch brings joy to Hil- 
da's heart. — "You are the daughter of 
Morris Maitland !" — The stolen docu- 
ments and the snake in the gjass. — 
"Hang me if I don't see this thing 
through 1" — A letter to the absent one. — 
Face to face. — The barrier of pride 
swept down. — "Reginald, I love you; 
come back!"— The happy reunion.— An 
ominous cloud. — "I have deserted my 
post ; the penalty is death. I must re- 
turn ere my absence is discovered !" — 
The wolf in the shecpfold. — A wily 
tempter foiled. — A villain's rage, — 
"Those words have sealed your doom I" 
— The murder and the escape. — 
Dollerclutch arrives too late. — The pur., 
suit. 

Act V. Divine Impulse. — In camp. — 
Maitland on duty. — The charge of de- 
sertion and the examination. — "I knew 
not what I did !" — The colonel's lenity. — 
Disgrace. — News of Adrienne's murder 
is Drought to camp. — Circumstantial 
evidence fastens the murder upon Reg- 
inald.— The court-martial. — Oonvicted 
and sentenced to be shot. — Preparations 
for the execution. — ' God knows I am 
innocent! " — Dollerclutch arrives in the 
nick of time. — "If you shoot that man 
you commit murder!" — The beginning 
of the end. — "Adrienne lives!" — A vil- 
lain's terror. — Adrienne appears on the 
scene. — " There is the attempted assas- 
sin !"— Divine impulse.— The reward of 
innocence and tne punishment of vil- 
lainy. — Good news. — " Hurrah, the wa»' 
is over; Lee has surrendered to Grant !" 
— The happy denouement a.nd Jinale.- • 
Tableau. 



Ca^ie* fnailed, post-paid, to any address on receipt of the advertised price. 

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